Breathe Me
by AlexisRose84
Summary: Summary: It's been 5 years since Anna left and then seemed to disappear into thin air. Now she's back, suddenly and without warning. Why is she back? What was she hiding? John/Anna Modern AU COMPLETE
1. Prologue

**Breathe Me**

_Summary: It's been 5 years since Anna left and then seemed to disappear into thin air. Now she's back, suddenly and without warning. Why is she back? What was she hiding? John/Anna Modern AU_

_Full disclosure: When I wrote fanfic many, many moons ago and under a different name, I wrote a story with this similar plot, but with different characters. It'll definitely be a different story because the characters are so different. However, the plot will be the same. That story no longer exists on this website and it was written so many years ago, but it's not a new original thought for me. I just thought I would try it out with Anna and John. Enjoy! _

**Prologue**

_2014_

"It's a two year paid internship in Italy, John. Long distance relationships may work, but not for two years," Anna stated once again to him. She turned her back to him and continued to pack her bags. This was what she had been working toward since she graduated college. At 25, all she wanted to be was an executive chef one day. This was her best chance to reach that goal.

"Then I'll come with you," John offered, again. Anna turned to face him. Her features softened and she took his hands into hers. A gentle smile grew on her lips.

"You know I would love that," she genuinely said, before shaking her head, "But you can't. You have a company here, one you have worked so hard to build."

"I'll bring it to Italy."

"And leave Robert in the lurch?" John's face betrayed him. Anna could tell, as much as he would love to come with her, he would never leave his job or hurt is best friend like that. "That's what I thought. We're in different stages of life, John. I love you," She squeezed his hands. She was right, however. The two of them were ten years apart in age. She was 25. Anna still had to build her life and her career. John, at 35, had already established himself.

"We'll keep in touch?" John questioned. A few tears began to build up in Anna's eyes.

"Of course," she agreed. Her hands dropped from his, before she wrapped her arms around him. "Maybe in two years things will be different," she said into his chest.

Within his arms, Anna began to feel weak. She didn't know if she could keep up her strong appearances about leaving him much longer. Breaking up with him was for him. She knew the next two years would be hectic and crazy. She didn't want John wasting two years of his life pining away after her. If they were meant to be, they would find themselves again. However, if they weren't, there was no need for them to put their lives on pause for two years.

John's arms tightened around her, to hold her close. Her plane would be leaving in just a few hours. His time with her was running short.

"I should finish packing," Anna began to pull away from his hold. Reluctantly letting go, John sighed. However, before Anna could turn, he pulled her close again and passionately kissed her.

"John," Anna said, pushing him away. "Not now. We're…..this isn't…" But she was too weak to say no. She had known having him come over before she needed to leave was a bad idea. Telling him no had never been her strong suit. They fit together so perfectly. Anna placed her hands on the sides of his cheeks and pulled him in for another kiss.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now- 2019_

John randomly awoke in the middle of the night. Turning onto his back, he sighed heavily. That had been the first time he had dreamed of her in nearly a year. Try as he might, he couldn't get over her.

Five years ago, Anna had promised to write, call, and Skype. While they would no longer be dating, they would be friends. For about the first month and a half, they had talked all the time. Then she seemed to disappear. There were no more calls and no more letters. It just stopped.

At first, John had been afraid she had died or been seriously injured. He nearly got on a plane to head to Italy to search for Anna. But Mary, Anna's best friend, had stopped him. Mary told John she was alive, but didn't want to talk to him. To say that broke his heart, would have been an understatement.

He still tried for months to contact her. John needed to know if he had done something. What could have possibly happened for Anna to just stop communicating with him so abruptly? Whenever he asked Mary, she would just give him an apologetic smile and say she didn't know. John didn't believe that, not one bit.

Sitting up, John tried shaking away his thoughts. He was a 40 year old man; too old to be brooding over a relationship that ended years ago.

But little did he know that in just a few short hours the woman who still plagued his mind would be back in Ripon, only to turn his life back upside down.

_To be continued? Let me know if you'd like more. I know this was short, but the chapters will be longer. _


	2. Be My Friend

_Wow, guys, wow. The amount of reviews on chapter one was amazing. Thank you all so very much! For your wonderful reviews, here is the first official chapter of the story. I'm not going to give anything away. Just know this story will be full of some twists and turns. Hopefully ones you are not expecting. _

**Be My Friend **

_2014_

Mary collected the papers on her desk and placed them into a stack on the side of her desk. She had a lot to do before her meeting tomorrow. While her father was also part owner of Downton Abbey, he spent most of his time on his new company with John Bates. That left Mary with most of the heavy work when it came to running their family estate. The estate had been in the Crawley family for over a hundred years. No one had lived in the big house since the fifties, but it was still kept in great condition. The home was now used for viewings to see how people used to live. It all seemed wonderful to Mary: ladies maids, a cook, nannies, butlers. Even though she had grown up in the lap of luxury, she didn't live at that level.

She sighed. Tom, her sister's fiancé, would be coming by in a bit to go over the land for the estate. He had some ideas to bring in more money and to keep that area relevant. Mary was grateful for his eye. He often saw things both she and her father missed.

A glance at a picture on her desktop, pulled Mary's thoughts away from work. Gingerly lifting the frame, her lips pierced. It was a picture of Mary and her friend, Anna. She and Anna had become friends in the strangest of circumstances. Anna had needed extra money for college and began cleaning the Crawley house for her parents.

One day, Mary had needed her hair done for a party and Anna offered to help. Soon after that, Mary started using Anna often for parties. As Anna worked on her hair, the two realized they got along well, despite their different personalities. Anna was a lot more, well, Mary thought, _kinder_.

Eventually, Anna graduated from school and got a job at a local restaurant as a chef. The two, however, kept close.

It had been nearly two months since Anna had moved for her dream internship in Italy. For the past couple of weeks, Mary hadn't heard a word from Anna. It wasn't like her not to reply to a simple text or email. Mary assumed she was just busy.

_Ring. Ring. _

Mary glanced at her cell phone and was surprised to see Anna's name on the caller ID. It was as though thinking of her summoned her call.

"Anna," Mary said brightly into the phone. "I was just wondering why I haven't heard from you in weeks."

"Mary?" Anna's voice made Mary's smile fade. Her voice sounded smaller, scared, sad.

"Anna? Are you alright?"

"I…." Her voice broke. "Can you come here, please?"

"Anna? What's wrong?"

"Please, Mary, can you come here," Anna's voice pleaded into the phone.

"To Italy? Anna, I have a big client coming by tomorrow and…."

"Please," Mary's brow furrowed, worried.

"Anna, I can come tomorrow evening. I'll have Daisy book me a flight."

"Thank you," Anna's voice was so quiet that Mary could barely hear her anymore.

"Now can you tell me why I am coming all the way to Italy? Should I call John?"

"NO!" Anna yelled into the phone. "I…I'm sorry. No. Don't call John. I…I can't tell you right now.

"Alright. Then I will see you tomorrow evening," Mary stated, confused and concerned. The line between them was severed and Mary was left wondering what in the world that was all about.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

As the sun broke between the clouds, Mary debated on whether or not she was making the right decision. Her breath slowly escaped her lips and her eyes glanced down the street. She was looking for _him_. She knew his daily walk to work came down this particular path. It seemed odd and as though she was stalking him, but this was important. Perhaps she should have told him before, but now was better than never.

Coming around the corner, Mary saw him. He was in his regular suit and tie combo that he wore to work with her father. The two had started their advertising business: Crawley and Bates Advertising nearly fifteen years ago. Robert and John had been stationed together in the military. They had gotten close and came up with their idea for the company. Robert had plenty of money to be able to start the business and John had been more of the creative hand behind it. Despite the fourteen year age difference, the two had always worked well together.

"Bates," Mary called out, making John stop. He narrowed his eyes. Mary had never gone out of her way to speak to John, especially not since Anna had disappeared. In fact, she often avoided him and his questions.

"Yes, Mary," he said, somewhat curtly. "Can I help you?"

"No, well, yes, maybe," she told him. "Anna is moving back." John's entire demeanor changed. A look of longing quickly covered his face, but as quickly as it came, it had disappeared.

"I don't know why you are telling me this," John stated. "I haven't spoken to her in five years. Her coming back doesn't change a thing."

"Well, we both know that's not true." Mary was never one to beat around the bush. "You both have this connection about you that is hard to explain."

"I assure you; we do not," John shifted his briefcase in his hands. "I need to get into work."

"Then let's keep it that way," Mary told him. "Anna doesn't need you professing your love or trying to win her back. Leave well enough alone." John chuckled in disbelief. He could not believe he was having this conversation right now. He had zero desire to 'win' Anna back. Anna had disappeared without any warning. She had hurt him. It hadn't been the other way around.

"I plan on it," John pushed himself into the small area of the pavement and road so he could get going.

"I'm serious, Bates," Mary called after him. "Leave her alone." At that, John got angry. He spun back to face Mary.

"I wasn't the one to disappear. Tell your friend that," he stated angrily. Mary didn't appear ruffled at all by his response.

"I have. I care about Anna and, whether you believe it or not, I care about you too. I don't want either of you hurt."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Traveling by train had always been one of Anna's favorite ways to travel. You were able to look at the sights and relax as you passed them by. Taking a train from London to Ripon had been her idea. Mary tried to insist that she take a plane. It would have been much quicker. However, Anna wasn't rushing to get back to her home.

Home was where _he_ was. No matter how much she tried to tell herself that she had moved on, she hadn't. He would want an explanation for everything and she wasn't exactly sure what to tell him.

In all honestly, she had never planned on moving back home. Her plan had been to stay in London working at her dream job. Being an executive chef had been a thrilling and fun job for her. At times, stressful, but the kind of stress she liked.

A sigh escaped her lips and she pressed her forehead against the glass. Life had a funny way at throwing curve balls at you. She knew this was what was needed to be done. She had to move back home. There was no other option. She could no longer hide from the past. Even if she wanted to.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary arrived at the train station a little early. She was a bit anxious about this reunion. While she had seen Anna many times in the past five years, this would be the first time seeing her back in their hometown. Her life was about to change drastically.

The train pulled up and stopped. Mary watched as several people got off the train and headed to their loved ones. Finally, Mary spotted the familiar blonde hair walking down the ramp. Anna seemed to see her at nearly the same time. She slowly made her way to Mary and gave her a hug.

"Thank you for coming to get us and, well, everything," Anna said strongly, pulling back. Mary's eyes glanced around the station.

"Where is Jane? Is that her name? Or Janet?"

"Jane," Anna reminded her. "She isn't coming."

"Anna, do you think that's wise? Are you sure…."

"It'll be fine," Anna informed her. "If it's not, we can find someone else. Jane didn't want to leave her family." Mary rolled her eyes. She was pretty sure her handsome raise for the girl should have been a good enough reason to follow Anna here.

Mary slowly bent down and peeked around Anna's legs. A little boy's head peeked out and when he saw who it was, he smiled. His dark brown eyes shined.

"Auntie Mary!" He happily cried. The boy let go of his mother's legs and ran toward Mary. Mary happily picked him up and gave him a hug.

"Hello, Bennett. Were you good for your mummy on the train?"

"I was," the four year old stated proudly. Anna giggled in agreement, before ruffling his auburn hair.

"Good. Let us get your bags and then we can head to your new home."

_To be continued..._

_Want more? Like it? Have questions? Please let me know! _


	3. You Changed in Front of Me

_Thank you all! The love for this story is overwhelming. I cannot thank you enough. _

_Someone asked if they could know who the original characters were for this plot. That would have been Lucas and Peyton (with Brooke as the friend) from One Tree Hill. And it was a little girl named Celia. The story was very different than this one in many ways, but the basic plot of not speaking for five years and a child remains the same. If you happened to read that story around 10 years ago, let me know! (But don't give anything away for the new readers ;)) My old screen name was Gigi18. My old stories are o my old laptop, so I am unable to pull them up. Perhaps if I can ever find them, I will add them to my new profile. _

_Thank you again and enjoy!_

**You Changed in Front of Me **

_2014_

The stairs leading up to Anna's small flat seemed to have doubled in number. She was utterly exhausted. Every step felt higher than normal. While she may have been being a tad dramatic, the past weeks had taken everything out of her. Work on top of that made it that much worse.

When she finally reached her floor, a sigh of relief escaped her lips. She was even more relieved as she entered her flat. Anna quickly placed her bag of groceries on the table next to the door, before flipping all the locks on the door. Checking them twice, she turned back around and leaned against the door frame.

A small box peeked out of the bag on the table. It mocked her. Anna bit her lower lip. Her eyes closed and she pressed her hand to her forehead. This couldn't be happening to her, not now. After everything…..her thoughts paused and she attempted to shake them away. She just wanted to forget about it all. That's all she had tried to do. Pretend like none of it had happened. It was a feeble attempt at best, but it was the only way she could deal with it. Here in Italy, she was alone. There were no close friends, no one to confide to. She had to figure it out on her own.

Finally unwilling to let the box mock her anymore, Anna pulled it from the bag. She might as well get it over with now. If it said what she feared it said, she couldn't ignore that.

Moments later, she waited on the other side of the door. Her timer on her phone told her it was time to look. She didn't want to. It took every ounce of strength within herself to open the door to see the results on the small white test.

Closing her eyes, Anna picked it up. She slowly opened her eyes and hot tears immediately began to spill out of her eyelids. A painful sob escaped her lips. She dropped the pregnancy test onto the floor and covered her mouth to stifle the sobs from her neighbors.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," Anna whispered to herself over and over, between her tight sobs.

She suddenly felt the need to vomit. Her body fell down toward the toilet and she lifted the top up, before all the contents from her stomach came up. She slowly sat back against the cool wall and continued to allow herself to break down. Before today, she hadn't let herself cry. She had bundled it all up within herself and tried to push through it all. Today, with this new information, she felt as though all of it had come crashing down upon her.

Half an hour later, when the sobs finally settled down, Anna realized just how alone she felt. She stood and began to search for where she had set down her phone. When she finally found it, her hands fumbled and dropped it to the floor. The simple drop of her phone, brought about new sobs. Her life was falling apart.

Finally getting the phone into her hands, she looked at her most called list. Her finger moved between John and Mary's names on the list. She hadn't called or texted either of them in several weeks. There was a reason, a good one, but now she needed them.

Her finger stopped over John's name. She ached to speak to him. In many ways, she needed him more than anyone else. But she had already decided she wouldn't talk to him until things had passed and she felt, well, better. And now….Anna shook her head. She couldn't call him. She didn't want him to know any of it. Her shame was hers to bare and she would try her hardest to hide it from him.

Finally she pressed on Mary's name and prayed she would answer.

"Anna!"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now _

"Alright," Mary said, pulling in front of a home on the Downton Abbey estate. Anna's eyes widened.

"This is beautiful," Anna told her. For the past few years, she and Bennett had lived in a nice, but modest flat in London. A house with a backyard for Bennett to play in had always been a dream of Anna's.

"Are you sure about this?" Mary questioned Anna. Anna's lips twisted slightly.

"I don't really have much of a choice, do I? And are you sure?" Anna's eyes narrowed so she could watch Mary closely. Mary wasn't easily read, however, and she just gave Anna a small smile.

"Yes, I am sure. Let's go inside."

"Into our new home?" Bennett questioned from the backseat. Mary turned to look at her godson and smiled brightly.

"Yes!"

The three of them walked into the new home. Mary showed them the different areas of the house, saving the bedrooms for last.

"I had the layout done so that there are two master bedrooms. Mine is on this side of the house and yours is on the other. That way we can each have our own spaces. Come this way and I will show you your rooms."

Mary turned the corner and opened a door that had a B on it. Inside was decorated with all things space. A large mobile of the Solar System hung from the ceiling.

"Wow," Anna said, in awe.

"Space!" Bennett cried happily. He ran into the bedroom and began looking at all of the things around the room. The Solar System was Bennett's favorite thing. If it had to do with space, it made him happy.

"And all of your toys from London are in your new playroom," Mary informed the small boy. Just a week before, Mary had sent people to pick up any items Anna and Bennett would need that would be too big to bring with them.

"A playroom? Mary you didn't have to do all of this. I don't know…"

"I am his godmother. I can do whatever I please," Mary simply stated.

The two left Bennett to explore his room and went to check out Anna's room.

"Your room is here. I had a room for Jane, but I guess we will have to find you another nanny." Mary said with an annoyed sigh. "I can't believe that girl just left you in the lurch like that."

"Mary, she's young. She'd been helping with Bennett the last year. I, also, don't think I'll need a nanny. I am only working on finishing my next cookbook. I don't have that much to do."

"We are finding a new nanny," Mary disagreed.

"You know plenty of people raise kids without nannies, Mary," Anna informed Mary.

"Anna, this is not up for a discussion."

Anna decided to drop it. She glanced around the room, _her_ room. Tear suddenly welled up within her eyes.

"This is all so nice, Mary. You have done so much for me, for us. I won't ever be able to repay you," Anna stated, a lone tear making its way down her cheek.

"You are like my sister, Anna. Sisters take care of one another," Mary said with a small smile. Anna's brows furrowed and she tilted her head to the side.

"Is that why you told Bertie about Marigold before Edith could?" Mary's eyes rolled.

"Well it all worked out, didn't it?"

"Yes, I guess so," Anna agreed. She looked out the window and sighed. "I…I feel like these past five years that I have put you into a stand still. Edith is married and has a child; Sybil is married with a child. I have kept you from moving on with your life. My issues have taken over."

"Anna, no," Mary stated strongly. "I have focused on Downton. Plus, I'm only 30 years old. I'm not quite an old maid yet," She added, attempting to joke. Anna didn't catch on, however.

"Yes, but with what you'll be doing for me. It'll hinder…"

"Stop it, Anna. You haven't hindered me at all. I am Mary Crawley. I do what I want," she said. "We made a plan and we are sticking to it."

Anna could only nod. Her hand came up to wipe away a second tear that had escaped.

"I do have something to tell you," Mary said with a twitch of her lips. "I saw John today and told him you were coming back into town." Anna's eyes jerked up to meet Mary's and her face grew pale.

"What? Why would you do that?"

"He was going to find out, eventually," Mary stated. Her shoulders shrugged. "I also told him the same thing I told you: Leave each other alone."

"I don't think that was necessary, Mary. I don't plan on running to John and professing my love to him." Mary's brows rose, unconvinced.

"You two are bound to run into one another. I think it's best that if you see each other; you avoid one another. That's all."

"Did you tell him about Bennett?" Anna said, suddenly panicking.

"No," Mary replied. "I didn't. That is your secret. Not mine."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2014_

Nothing seemed to be working correctly on Mary's computer. Her frustration was growing as the screen turned black again. Closing the laptop, she sat back and took a moment to compose herself. Her hands covered her face and she took in a deep breath. After her visit with Anna, she couldn't seem to focus. All her thoughts were with her friend.

_Knock. Knock_.

Mary glanced up to see John standing in the doorway. She quickly sat up and offered him an uneven smile.

"Bates, what…what are you doing here? Does my father need some paperwork, because my computer is on the fritz?"

John shook his head and took a few steps into the room. As he got closer, he realized Mary appeared flustered. That was not a look he was used to seeing on her face. He wondered if it had anything to do with Anna.

"No. I came to ask about Anna."

"Anna?" Mary's voice hitched in her throat. John's eyes narrowed. She knew something.

"I am buying a plane ticket to Italy this afternoon to go and see her, unless you have any idea why I haven't heard from her in over a month," John told her. "I am getting worried, Mary."

John watched Mary closely. She usually wasn't an easy one to read, but at this moment, she seemed completely rattled at his questioning. Her eyes shifted nervously and her fingers began to tap against the edge of the table.

"I…I saw Anna a couple of weeks ago," Mary's voice strengthened by the end of her sentence. She stilled her hands and looked up to John. "She's fine, just very busy."

"You _saw_ her? Where? In Italy?" John inhaled sharply. Two weeks ago Mary had seen Anna and Anna couldn't even take the time to text him. His jaw tightened. "And she's fine?"

"Yes."

The two, then, stood at a standstill. John waiting for Mary to say more and Mary hoping he would just leave. Neither of them did as the other wanted, however. It was John who finally broke the silence.

"And that's it? Did she give any inclination of when she might contact me?"

"No," Mary said with a shake of her head. "Don't contact her, Bates. She's stressed and overloaded with this internship right now." The two locked eyes. John's lips twitched slightly, unnerved by what had just occurred. When he had come to see Mary today, he had not been expecting any of this. A few tears began to fill his eyelids, but he shook them away.

"That's it then," John said with a hint of questioning in his voice. His eyes searched Mary's face once more for any indication of what exactly she knew. Her eyes remained calm.

"Yes, that's all."

**-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-**

_Now_

"Dammit!" John yelled, when another item fell off his desk that day. His entire day had been filled with small mishaps, which had only put him in a deeper sour mood. Mary's little talk with him this morning had angered him. Who made her the queen of relationships? What had happened between Anna and him was none of her business. Although, he knew she knew something he didn't know. But she would never tell him anything. That had angered him too. After all he and Anna had had, didn't he deserve more than just a simple, 'she's fine' every few months?

"Is everything okay, Bates?" Robert asked, poking his head into John's office. John awkwardly shifted in his chair and gave him a shake of his head.

"Not really," he answered honestly. At that, Robert walked all the way into John's office.

"What's happened?"

"Your daughter stopped me on the way to work today," John informed his friend. Robert appeared confused.

"Which one?"

"Mary," John replied.

"And what does this have to do with your bad day?"

"She told me Anna is coming back here today," John stated. He peered at Robert, "Did you know?" Robert shook his head.

"No, and you know I would have told you if I did. Mary is very closed lipped when it comes to her friendship with Anna. It's strange, but it is Mary," Robert simply replied. "That girl has always done whatever she wanted."

"Well, she acted as though I was the bad guy in all of this and I didn't appreciate it," John said, his frustration growing. He hated bringing Robert into an issue he had with one of his daughters. The two could talk about many things, but speaking ill against someone's child was always a tricky subject. Thankfully, Robert didn't seem to be upset about it.

"I doubt she meant it that way. Mary's protective of Anna, that's all." Even if he wasn't upset, he was going to defend his daughter. That's what fathers do.

John's hand ran over his flushed face. Part of him wished Anna had never returned and the other part of him wanted to find her and demand she tell him why she just stopped speaking to him. She had hurt him dearly. He wasn't sure he could ever forgive that.

"I know," was all John could respond with. Speaking to Robert about Anna was always hard. He didn't know Anna, not really. And Anna was Mary's friend. It was so incredibly complicated.

"What are you going to do about Anna being back?" Robert finally asked.

John sighed and then sat down at his desk. "Nothing. It's been five years and it's time I stopped brooding about it."

_To be continued..._

_But will John, really? Want more? Have questions? Liked it? Please let me know! I do have a busy weekend planned with my little family. So it may be a few days before the next update. Thank you again! _


	4. If You Let Me Hear

_Thank you guys again! I was able to update sooner than I originally expected. Hope you enjoy! _

**If You Let Me Hear (The Things You Seem to Want to Say) **

_Now_

Slowly opening her eyes, Anna jerked awake when she saw Bennett quietly standing in front of her. His dark eyes peered at her. When he noticed she was awake, his pink lips curled into a bright smile.

"Good morning, Mummy," Bennett said, as he began to climb into the bed next to his mother.

"Did you sleep okay in your new bed?" Anna questioned her son. She pulled him close to her and kissed his forehead. The boy nodded his head.

"Yes. Then Auntie Mary made me pancakes for breakfast and we watched cartoons," Bennett told her. "You were still sleeping."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm just tired," she said with a bit of longing in her voice. Her hand caressed Bennett's cheek.

"You're always tired," Bennett replied. Anna's hand paused, as her face fell slightly.

"I know," was all she could say. Bennett then sat up and grabbed Anna's hand to pull her up as well.

"You need to see my new playset. Will you come and play with me, Mummy?"

"A new playset?" Anna questioned, both brightly and in shock. What else had Mary gotten for Bennet?

"Yes! Will you play with me?"

"Maybe later, I need to wake up some more." Bennett's head tilted to the side in confusion.

"But you are awake."

"Yes, I guess I am. Well, I need to eat breakfast first and run into town to get some things. Do you want to come with me or stay with Aunt Mary?"

"Auntie Mary!" Bennett said happily. Anna ran her fingers through his thick mop of hair. She was glad he liked Mary. That was important to her.

"Okay."

Bennett was finally able to get his mother to climb out of the bed and he led her to the kitchen. There Mary sat sipping some coffee. Seeing Anna, her eyes brightened.

"Good morning, Anna. We left you some pancakes," she stated. Anna smiled. She wasn't sure she knew Mary could cook, so this was somewhat of a surprise.

"When Bennett said you made pancakes, I figured they were of the frozen variety," Anna teased.

"I can cook food, you know," Mary stated back.

"I need to run into town for a few things. Can Bennett stay here with you?"

"Of course," Mary replied. "But should you go on your own? We both could come with you…."

"It's only for a few things. It won't take me long," Anna quickly interrupted.

"Well, as long as you're sure."

"Thank you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John flipped the pancake when he saw bubbles bubbling up on the top. It flipped with ease and he sighed with content. Making perfect pancakes had always been a soothing activity to him. He wasn't much of a pancake eater, but Anna had been. For that reason, he usually avoided making them. It reminded him too much of the happy memories they had.

Mornings when she had slept over, he would prepare her pancakes, while she would sit across from him in one of his t-shirts. She would always laugh when he would cheer at a perfect circle and flip. Once they were done, though, they would usually forget the pancakes and make love wherever they landed.

He shook his thoughts away. Why had he made pancakes today of all days? He took his plate of perfectly cooked pancakes and scrapped them into the trashcan. Turning around, he sighed.

His fingers reached out and he ran them against the spines of the line of matching books across the shelf. Picking one up, his fingers fell to the name on the bottom. _Anna Smith. _ _ 22 Fail Proof Recipes for your Home_ by _Anna Smith_. He remembered the shock the first time he saw the name on the book. At the time, he was sure it was just a coincidence. But when he picked it up and turned to the back cover, he saw her face. Then he bought it. He didn't know why he bought it. But he did. After that, he bought the cookbook anytime he saw it out in a store. By now he had ten or more copies.

Every time, he went to the back to read her small snippet about herself. It was brief and gave little to no detail about her life. Yet, every time, he hoped it would tell him something new. It was the age of social media and no matter how much he scoured internet, he could find nothing about her. It was almost as though she no longer existed outside of this one cookbook. The cookbook was the only proof she was still real.

A loud breath left John's lips and he placed the book back on the shelf. His head shook. This obsession with her couldn't be healthy. She obviously hadn't wanted anything to do with her for nearly five years. Why couldn't he just move on?

But the last time they had spoken, she had been so bright, so happy to talk to him. What could have possibly happened to change that? Maybe if someone, _anyone_, would tell him the truth he could finally move past it all.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2014_

_Ring. Ring. _

John glanced down at his phone and his face immediately brightened when he saw Anna's name across the screen. Picking it up, he placed the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Hi," he loved the way she said that. Always so bright. He could feel her smile through the phone.

"How is the internship going?"

"It is going really well. It's a lot of work and long hours, but I really love it." He smiled. All he wanted was for her to be happy. While he hated being apart from her, this experience was so important for her future career wants. If the two of them were meant to be, they would make it through these two years as 'friends' and come out stronger on the other side. And to be honest, he was pretty sure the two of them would.

"That's great," he stated strongly. "Any plans for this evening?"

"I am going to head across the street. There's a bar. Some evenings I like to go and grab a quick glass of wine before heading to bed. It's a nice way to try to meet new people here. I have been so busy I haven't made any new friends, yet."

"That sounds fun, but be safe," John always worried about her alone in a new country without him or anyone she knew.

"I always am. It's a straight walk from my building door to that door. I always only drink one glass and then head back."

"Will you text me when you get home, just so I know you are safe?" He heard Anna chuckle through the phone, but he knew she secretly loved his overprotectiveness.

"Yes, I will."

"Okay, have fun. Good-bye Anna," he said, the 'I love you' stuck within his throat. They had promised to just be friends right now and if he said that, he would mean it way more than friends would.

"Good-bye, John. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now _

Stepping into the store to pick up a bottle of wine, he immediately saw her. Anna was standing in front of an aisle of cereal. He couldn't believe it; five years and here she was just standing there. Her mouth was chewing on the side of her thumb anxiously, as she stared at the different options. John remained frozen in front of the door. He knew he should just turn and leave. Meeting with Anna did not seem like a good idea. But she was here, in person, right in front of him.

He watched as Anna picked a box and placed it into her cart. She took a few steps, before her eyes locked with his. Her eyes widened, but he watched as she quickly composed herself and offered him a small smile. He didn't smile, but he did take a few steps forward so that he was standing in front of her cart.

The two stood in awkward silence. It was then John noticed the paleness in Anna's cheeks. She had always been a small woman, but she looked even tinier, almost breakable.

"I…" Anna finally broke the silence. John studied her movements. Her hands shook slightly and he could tell she was just as nervous as he was. "I..I didn't expect to see you here or…or so soon."

John didn't respond. Anna's eyes shifted nervously around the store and she wondered if it would be best if she just walked away. Her eyes glanced over John's frame. He had gotten older, but the five years had been kind to him. He was more handsome than she had remembered. She liked the gray hairs that had begun to show in his hair.

"How…how have you been?" Anna asked, trying to break through the awkwardness.

"How have I been?" John's voice was not kind. His jaw tightened and he paused to take in a deep breath. "Seriously, five years and I get a how 'have you been'?"

Anna's eyes filled immediately with tears. "I…I'm sorry," she apologized, blinking harshly to combat the tears that wanted to fall. "I never meant…"

"You didn't mean a lot of things, but you did them," John stated bitterly.

"I know," Anna whispered, her eyes falling to her hands. John watched as Anna closed her eyes and took several short breaths. It almost appeared as though she was struggling to breathe, as if their conversation was taking a lot out of her.

"Anna," he stated concerned. Her eyes popped open.

"I…I'm fine." Anna bit down on her lower lip. Once again, they stood in silence. Finally, Anna broke it.

"I should get going," she adjusted the cart so that it could go beside John. She passed him, but once she was on the other side of the aisle, she turned back to him. "It was never my intention to hurt you, John. I….I wish things had happened differently."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2014_

Pounding in her head woke Anna up. Her hand immediately flew to her forehead and she pressed the heel of her hand against it. Slowly, her eyes began to open. She wondered where the headache came from. It felt as though she was hung over, but she specifically remembered only drinking her one glass of wine. She never went over that amount when she went out by herself.

When her eyes finally adjusted to the light, panic and dread filled her body. She didn't recognize the room she was in. She wasn't at home. Her eyes scanned the room. It appeared to be a hotel room. She slowly sat up. That was when she realized she wasn't dressed. A sob escaped her lips. She had no memories of how she had gotten here. Her body did, however. It felt sore, _violated_. Tears started to well up in her eyes.

Gingerly, she stood up. Her body ached. She tried so desperately to conjure up any memory of how she had gotten into this room, but none would emerge. She wanted to cry, but she didn't, or couldn't. She wasn't sure.

Her dress was thrown on the floor. Bending down to pick it up, she realized her undergarments were missing. She panicked. Whoever had been with her the night before must have taken them after they took something even more precious from her.

She stumbled across the room where her phone and wallet sat on the table. Picking the wallet up, she flipped through it and was surprised to see nothing had been touched inside of it. She pulled the dress over her sore body and pushed the curtain open. She realized at that moment that she was just across the street from her flat. She must be in the hotel above the bar. All she wanted to do now was go home and shower.

Her hands grabbed her phone and wallet. Then she began her trek back to her flat. Once she reached her home, she saw that she had ten messages from John on her phone.

_Anna? Did you make it to your flat alright?_

_ Anna?_

_ Let me know when you get home._

_ Hope you're having fun. _

_ Don't have too much fun._

_ Anna?_

_ Good morning, Anna. Hope you had a good night._

_ Are you alright?_

_ Anna?_

Anna swallowed hard. Her hands shook and she wanted to call him right then and there. Right before she could push his name, she stopped herself. What would she tell him? She couldn't….. Anna shook her head. She didn't think she could bring herself to tell him what she had allowed to happen to her. She felt so stupid. A lone tear fell down her cheek.

She decided to write him a quick text so he wouldn't fly out to Italy worried about her.

_I made it home last night, sorry. Have a good day. _

Placing the phone down onto the table next to her door, she leaned back against the wall. Her eyes closed. Her head was still pounding and she felt incredibly nauseous. Again, she wanted to cry, but she couldn't.

_Ding._

She knew that would be a message from John, but she couldn't read it. Not now. Not after last night. Maybe not ever again.

_To be continued..._

_As always, please let me know if you like it, want more, and if you have any questions! I appreciate you all. _


	5. I Think That I Might Break

_Thank you all so much for your continued support! I hope you continue to like what I post. _

**I Think That I Might Break **

_2014_

Mary stood anxiously at Anna's front door of her flat. She had been knocking for nearly a minute and heard no sounds to indicate that Anna was there. Her worry was growing by the second. Anna calling her out of nowhere and begging her to come to Italy was worrying enough and now Anna wasn't coming to her door. Fear began to consume Mary. She grabbed her phone from her bag and dialed Anna's number.

_Ring. Ring. _

"I…." Anna's voice answered on the other end. "I'm coming." Her voice was small.

Mary continued to wait and a few minutes later, Anna opened the door. A gasp escaped Mary's lips before she could stop them. Anna looked horrible. She appeared as though she hadn't slept in days.

Not saying anything, Anna turned and walked back into her flat. Unlike Anna, her flat was spotless. It looked as though Anna spent her all her free time cleaning every available area of her home. Mary couldn't find a speck of dirt.

"Anna, what's going on?" Her confusion had grown immensely.

When Anna reached the middle of her living room, she turned to face Anna. Distress etched over her features. She shook her head and closed her eyes.

"Anna?"

"I…I'm pregnant, Mary," she confessed, her lower lip trembling. Mary's lips twisted. It wasn't ideal, but Mary wasn't sure why it had become such an ordeal with the urgent calls and need to come right away. This could have probably been discussed over the phone.

"And it's John's?" Mary asked, her head tilting to the side. At her question, Anna broke. Her head began to shake violently.

"No," she whispered, a sob escaping her lips. Mary took a step forward. That explained why she didn't want Mary to call John.

"Okay, then who's is it? A new guy here?" Mary said carefully. Anna looked like a terrified wild animal, about to run away into the woods.

"I…I don't know," she admitted, her head shaking.

"You don't know? Anna, what happened?" Mary watched Anna carefully. Her head continued to shake back and forth, before her breaths began to be uneven. "Anna?"

"I…I don't know. I don't know what happened. I don't know who the father is. I…I don't know anything…"

Mary was able to get Anna to sit on the couch next to her. After some gentle coaxing, she got Anna to tell her everything that she could remember about the night she got pregnant. Mary's heart fell in her chest.

"And you're sure you only had one glass of wine?" Mary asked, trying to process all this new information.

"Yes, I always only have one when I am by myself," Anna stated, looking down at her hands.

"Someone had to slip something in your drink when you weren't looking, Anna. Surely the police…"

"No," Anna said with a shake of her head.

"But the hotel room, certainly they could track the guy who did it by the card it was on or asking the front desk who they saw you with."

"No," Anna firmly said. "It…it doesn't matter," her hands fell to her hands. "And he used my card. The charge showed up on my credit card."

"That bastard," Mary muttered under her breath. "But still," she added, looking into Anna's eyes, "There must be something we could tell the police to help them find him. He can't just get away with…."

"No, Mary. I…I just… I wanted to forget it ever happened," she told her. Anna's eyes fell to her hands. She took in a shuddering breath. "And now," she paused. Then she looked back up at Mary, "I did some research Mary. If I decide to keep this baby and acknowledge who his father is then he could get some rights to it. They might decide it was just a drunken one night stand; he might not get any time, but he could have rights to my baby." More tears fell from Anna's eyes.

"Oh Anna," Mary kindly stated. "What do you want to do?" Anna shook her head.

"I don't know. All I have ever wanted was this internship, but…but it's my baby," she cried into her hands.

"Anna," Mary said prudently, "There can be more babies. You can have another baby one day."

At that, Anna completely broke down. Mary slowly pulled her into her arms. She had never been much of a comforter, so as she held Anna, her back was stiff. Anna didn't seem to mind, she just continued to sob into Mary's chest.

"Anna, I will support any decision you make. And listen, you don't have to choose between the baby and the internship. If you decide to keep the baby, I will do everything in my power to help you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now _

"Auntie Mary," Bennett questioned, picking up a blue crayon. Bennett's voice brought her from her thoughts.

"Yes, Bennett," Mary said, turning her attention to the young boy.

"When will Mummy be back? I want to show her my picture." At Bennett's question, Mary turned her eyes back to the window. She had been wondering the same thing. She shouldn't have allowed Anna to go out on her own. Not now.

"I don't know. Soon," she promised him. She turned back to Bennett and took a seat next to him at the table. "What are you drawing?"

"The Solar System," he informed Mary. "This is Earth. It's where we live." Mary nodded. Her thoughts were somewhere else. She sat and watched as Bennett drew the next few planets. Then she stood and glanced back out the window. Anna's car was back. She breathed a sigh of relief.

Mary watched for several moments and realized Anna wasn't stepping out of the car. She glanced over at Bennett and saw he was distracted by his drawings. So she stepped outside and walked to Anna's car.

"Anna?" Mary asked, knocking on the window across from Anna. She peeked in and saw that Anna was crying. Immediately, Mary got into the car.

"Anna? What's wrong? Are…are you….?"  
"No, I saw John," Anna said between her tears.

"Oh, Anna, what happened?"

"I…I knew he would hate me, but it was so hard seeing it and hearing it in his voice." Mary reached her hand over the middle of the car and placed it on Anna's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"I don't think he hates you, Anna. He's just hurt," Mary gently said. "He'll get over it."

"Will he?" Anna stated, not convinced. She hadn't known just how hard it would be to see John. Even though it had been five years, her love and need for him was just as strong as it used to be.

"I don't know," Mary replied honestly. "But this, it's what you wanted, wasn't it?"

Anna nodded. "I can't tell him, not after all this time. The way he'll look at me….."

"He loves you, Anna. He wouldn't look at you in any other way," Mary said. Her lips curled in sadness for her friend. Since the beginning, Mary had tried to convince Anna to tell John the truth. She knew John would be understanding, be loving. But Anna wouldn't hear it. She blamed herself for what had happened, no matter how much Mary tried to assure her it wasn't. Then with Bennett, it was even harder for Anna. Anna decided never to return home and to continue her life far away. She would have, too, if things hadn't happened, hadn't changed, if she hadn't needed Mary to help her with this new wrench life had thrown her way.

"This is why I wanted you to stay away from one another, Anna. I don't want you hurt," Mary stated. "You need to keep your strength up for you and Bennett. Don't let this take anything out of you."

"You're right," Anna agreed, wiping her cheeks. "I just….I miss him."

"Then tell him Anna; he'll understand." Mary observed Anna's face. She couldn't tell what Anna was thinking. Lately, she had been a tough one to read. "But whatever you choose, you know I'll support you."

"I know," Anna said, giving Mary a small smile. "I…I couldn't have made it this far without you, Mary. Truly."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Loud pounding on his front door made John jump up from his office table. He rushed to his front door and glanced through the peep hole. Seeing it was Mary, he sighed. He was not in the mood to speak to her right now, but he opened the door anyway.

"What do you want?" He impatiently asked. Mary pushed past him so that she was in his flat.

"I told you to leave her alone," Mary evenly stated. Her jaw set firmly.

John heavily sighed and shut the door. "This is none of your business, Mary."

"It is. Anna is my friend," Mary stated matter-of-factly. "You can't go around making her cry, because you're angry at her. If you are over her, then leave her alone."

"I am not the one who disappeared for five years," John reminded her. "I am allowed to be angry."

"Be angry, but don't take it out on her," Mary told him. John could not believe this conversation was happening. Mary had barely spoken to him in the past five years, nearly avoiding him at all costs. And now with Anna back, he kept getting an ear full from her. To be honest, he was getting quite over her.

"I can do as I please, now leave my flat," John said, opening his door.

"Look, John, a lot happened that you don't know about. I think she might be ready to tell you about it now," Mary said. This peaked John's interest.

"Why now?"

Mary shrugged her shoulders.

"Perhaps because she's here now and has seen you; maybe she's always been ready but too afraid."

"Afraid? Afraid of what?"

"I can't answer that," Mary said. She handed John a slip of paper. "That is where she is living now. If you still care about her, go and talk to her, calmly. If you don't want anything to do with her again, leave her alone." Mary gave John a quick nod and then left through the front door, leaving John with even more questions than he had had before she showed up.

John glanced at the address in his hands. He noticed it was on Downton Abbey property. It made sense; it seemed anything Anna did was with Mary. Mary had been Anna's only connection back home.

He sighed, before grabbing his coat and heading to his car.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

A knock came at the door. Anna glanced up. Her brows furrowed. She didn't know who it could possibly be, perhaps someone for Mary. However, Mary was still out running errands. Anna slowly stood up and walked to the front door. To say she was shocked to see John on the other side of the door would have been an understatement.

Slowly, she opened the door. John had his hat between his hands and was nervously turning it in his hands.

"John," she said, unable to hide the shock from her voice. "What…what are you doing here?"

"I'm not sure," he replied honestly. "Mary gave me the address. I can go if you'd like me to." Anna's lips pierced.

"No," Anna told him. "You can stay."

"I…I didn't mean to make you cry earlier," John said, his voice much calmer and in the sweet way she remembered than earlier that day. "I was just…"

"Hurt, I know. I hurt you," Anna acknowledged. The two stood in an uncomfortable silence. "I never meant…" Before Anna could finish her sentence, a small boy snuck between Anna's frame and the doorway. He stuck his head out the door and looked at John with a questioning glance.

"Who are you?" He asked John. John's lips twisted. While the boy had dark eyes and auburn hair, he was unmistakably Anna's child. He had her nose and cheeks. John's jaw tightened. This was not what he had expected.

"I'm John," he told the boy, feeling out of sorts. "Who are you?"

"This is Bennett," Anna said quickly. John could tell she was uncomfortable with the fact John had met him so quickly. Was this what she had been hiding? A son? "Bennett, go back inside and play with your toys. Mummy needs to speak with her old friend."

"But I want to play with you," Bennett argued. Anna bent down to his level and took his hands into hers.

"I will be back to play with you soon. If you're a good boy, we can go for ice cream later."

"Really?"

"Really." At that, Bennett happily disappeared back into the house. John's lips began to twist as he tried to calculate what he expected Bennett's age and the last time he and Anna had been together.

"Is this the big secret? Is…is he mine?" John questioned carefully. Anna shook her head.

"No," she said, offended. "Of course not, and I am hurt that you would think I would hide something like that from you. I would never do that. If he was yours…" Anna's voice faded. She could never explain how much she had always wished Bennett was John's. How differently things would have been if he was.

"Then what happened, Anna. Why disappear for five years? Who does Bennett belong to?' Anna suddenly felt overwhelmed. Her hand clutched to her chest and she took in a few deep breaths before answering John.

"I….I don't know."

_To be continued..._

_Finally the truth, or at least some of the truth, will be revealed soon. Want more? Have questions? Like it? Let me know! And as always, thank you! _

_Also, fun fact the titles of each chapter come from lyrics from two different songs (so far, more may be added in the future) can you name the two songs? One is easy since it is the title of the story. Thanks again! _


	6. Unfold Me

_As always, thank you all so much! Here is the newest addition. Enjoy! _

**Unfold Me (I am Small) **

_2014_

As Anna unzipped her dress, her body froze. Unexpectedly, she remembered the sound of her dress being unzipped the night before and the dread that had filled her body. It was just a flash of remembrance, but with it came a few more flashes. A key being put into a lock. A laugh that was not her own. A no escaping her lips. Anna's body shuddered. The short memories didn't fill in enough blanks, but they caused her body to shake. She suddenly felt nauseous. She turned the water on in her shower and stepped in, not waiting for the water to warm up.

The cold water barely registered with her. She pressed her head against the glass and closed her eyes. It all felt so surreal.

She finally stood and began to bathe. She ran the soap harshly over every ounce of skin. She felt dirty. No matter how hard she scrubbed, it didn't seem to help that feeling. She bathed and bathed until the water grew hot and then turned cold again.

Stepping out of the shower, she wrapped herself in a warm towel and took a deep breath. She had work in an hour. There was no more time to focus on what had happened.

Anna got herself dressed and went to work. When she got home, she showered again and then started cleaning her house. She didn't know why, but nothing seemed clean enough. Everything seemed stained and dirty.

Every day, as she tried to push what had happened to the back of her mind, she would shower, go to work, and clean her house. That only allowed her very little time for sleep, but she didn't mind. Sleep brought her nightmares and lying in bed alone frightened her. Keeping herself busy was the only way she could keep herself from remembering what happened. She just wanted to forget it.

Daily she got texts, emails, and phone calls from John and Mary. She couldn't answer them, not yet. She wasn't ready. She knew they both would know something was wrong over the phone. She just needed more time to forget it. Once she forgot it, she would be able to call.

But she was foolish, because this just wasn't something someone forgot and got over. She realized that about two weeks in. Nothing was getting better. If anything, she was growing more and more paranoid and the house seemed dirtier and dirtier each day. Work was the only place where she remained sane. The busyness of it all help to keep her thoughts at bay.

Things got even harder to try to ignore when the two pink lines showed up on the test. There could be no more ignoring, not anymore.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

John's eyes narrowed. Had he heard her right? He tilted his head to the side. Watching her closely, he could see she was anxious. Anna was chewing on the side of her lip and her cheeks were pale.

"You don't know? What does that mean? You don't know why you disappeared? Who Bennett's father is? That doesn't make any sense, Anna," John stated, confused. Anna glanced down the hallway to ensure Bennett wasn't nearby.

"Let's go talk," she stated. She walked onto the porch, closing the door behind her. She got in front of him, leading him to the cushioned swing that sat on the side of the house.

"I…I can watch Bennett from here," she explained, her eyes peeping into what appeared to be the boy's bedroom. John watched Anna as she sat down. She didn't seem the same. She was older, of course, but she seemed smaller. A large hoodie covered her frame and he guessed that could be why.

"Anna, what don't you know?" He questioned again. It was all so confusing to him. How would Anna not know who her son's father was? The only two things John could come up with was a drunken one night stand or that there were too many to know. Neither of those options sounded like Anna.

Anna glanced over at the beautiful scenery. Her body rose and fell with a heavy sigh.

"Sit, please," she said to him, bringing her eyes back to his. John obliged, sitting on the opposite side of the swing. "I…." Anna paused. Her eyes slowly closed and reopened. "I'm not sure how to begin."

"Who is Bennett's father?" John questioned again. He needed to know. Bennett was old enough that whoever his father was, he had been with Anna not too long after they had been together. He couldn't lie and say that didn't hurt. So he needed to understand.

"I told you," Anna said, between tight breaths, "I don't know."

"That doesn't make sense, Anna," John said, trying to remain calm. He could see Anna's lower lip beginning to tremble, before she turned her face away from him. Her eyes were now on Bennett.

"Do you remember the last time we talked?" Anna asked him, still not looking at him.

"Yes, quite vividly. I kept going over that conversation, trying to figure out if I said something or did something…"

"You didn't," Anna turned her head back to him and met his eyes. Her eyes were now glassed over in tears. "I…I texted you the next morning that I had made it home the night before, but that…that was a lie. I didn't make it home that night. When I woke up the next morning…." Anna paused. Her breath hitched in her throat. Her head shook slightly. John was peering at her closely, waiting for answers. She hadn't expected it to be this hard to tell him now after all these years, but it was. Taking a deep breath, she finally continued.

"When I woke up," Anna continued, "I…I was in a hotel room and I couldn't remember anything from the night before. The last thing I remembered was getting a glass of wine from the bar."

"I'm sorry, but I still don't understand, Anna. So you drank too much?" He was confused.

"No, I only had one glass of wine. I never got more than one," she said, her lips trembling. "When I woke up, I was naked and alone," a small sob escaped her lips. "No one was in the room. My….my undergarments had been stolen and my card used to book the room. But…but I couldn't remember any of it."

Realization of what Anna was telling John, hit him hard. His entire body tightened. He suddenly felt sick. Before this moment, he hadn't realized just how much he had wished Anna had just been happy without him. He would rather be the one hurting and Anna be happy; this was worse than he could have ever imagined.

"Oh my god, Anna," he breathed. A stray tear slid down Anna's cheek. She brought the back of her hand up to wipe it away. He wanted to reach out to her, hold her. "Why…why didn't you tell me?" He was unable to hide the hurt from his voice. Had he known, he could have been there for her. He _would_ have been there for her.

"I…I wanted to just forget it. I…I felt so ashamed," Anna admitted, a few more tears slipping down her cheeks. She shifted on the swing, causing it to swing slightly. Her eyes glanced down at her hands, unable to look back at John.

"Ashamed? You have nothing to be ashamed of Anna."

"I know that now," Anna said quietly. Her eyes moved back up to meet John's. "Lots of therapy later," a small chuckle left her lips. "It took a long time not to blame myself."

"Anna," John murmured. His heart ached for her. All this time and he never knew. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

"No," Anna answered honestly. "At first I thought I could just throw it all to the back of my mind and forget it. I figured once I did that, I would contact you and Mary again, but…." her voice faded. Right at that moment, Bennett realized his mother was outside his window. The small boy pressed his face against the window and made a silly face, making Anna laugh. "But then I found out I was having him," Anna finished her sentence.

"Ice cream!?" The boy yelled through the window. He tipped his head to the side and twisted his lips, questioningly.

"Soon," Anna yelled back. "Go play." The small boy pouted briefly, but turned and did as his mother told him to.

"Anna," John carefully began, "But why, why keep it this big secret?"

Anna tightened her hoodie around her small frame. She inhaled sharply and shook her head.

"I..I was pregnant, John, with a child that wasn't yours. I was frightened, scared, ashamed….I didn't want to put that burden on you, John. It wasn't your burden. I just thought if I disappeared that you could move on. And there was a part of me that didn't want to know how you would react. If there was even the slightest chance that you were ashamed of me, I…" Anna's eyes closed tightly and more tears began to fall down her sunken cheeks.

A knock came at the window, drawing Anna's attention. She opened her eyes and smiled. Bennett was standing at the window holding a picture up for Anna to see. Anna pressed her hand against the glass.

"He's my whole world, John. Everything I have ever done is for him," she stated strongly. Anna slowly stood and returned her attention to John. "I am sorry for lying to you and for keeping you in the dark. I should get back inside; Bennett is getting impatient."

"I…I could come and get ice cream with you both," John offered, not quite ready to let her go when she just reentered his life. Anna shook her head.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, John."

"Maybe another day?"

"Maybe."

Anna slipped around the corner and entered the house. When John heard the door close behind her, tears he hadn't known were there, began to slip down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, not wanting for Anna to see him crying.

As he stood from the swing, he glanced into Bennett's room. He saw Anna sitting on the edge of the bed with Bennet, as Bennett showed her his picture. The scene brought a small smile to his face, happy to see Anna happy. However, it also stung. He had always thought the two of them would share a child together and share these types of moments, but he would only be able to look in from the outside. He sighed.

"John?" Mary's voice rang from the driveway. John turned. He gave her a small wave, before walking toward her. When he got closer, John noticed Mary watching him closely. "Did she tell you?"

"She did," John replied.

"What…what all did she tell you?" Mary asked, narrowing her eyes. John paused, was there something else he was supposed to know?

"She told me about what happened and Bennett's father, or rather his lack of a father." Mary nodded.

"Good, I am glad she told you," Mary simply stated, although they both knew it was not that simple. Mary gave him a quick nod, before heading back toward her home.

"Mary," John stopped her. Mary turned, her brow raising in confusion.

"Yes?"

"Thank you," he said sincerely.

"For what?"

"For being there for Anna," he replied. "I am grateful she at least had you." Mary shifted uneasily; she didn't take genuine complements very well. All she could offer him was a small nod.

_To be continued..._

_As always, please let me know what you think! Don't worry, John and Anna will see each other again soon. :) _


	7. I Will Be Real

_Thank you all for the love! I do hope you continue to enjoy the story! _

**I Will Be Real, Once Again**

_2015_

"Alright, Anna, one more good push," Dr. Ryder instructed. Anna shook her head. She was so tired. Mary watched her friend concerned. The tiredness was etched over her features. Brushing a stray hair off of Anna's flushed face, she offered her friend a kind smile. Anna had refused an epidural; she was too afraid to lose any control of her body. It made sense, but Mary wished now that she had. The baby had been stubborn and now Anna had been pushing for nearly two hours.

"Come on, Anna, you've come this far," Mary encouraged. As a contraction hit Anna hard, she used the last bit of energy she had to push down.

A loud cry rang out through the room and Mary let out a relieved sigh. She glanced at the baby, as it was wrapped into a warm blanket and taken over to be weighed.

"Oh Anna," Mary said, a few tears brimming from her eyes. She shook her head slightly, not believing it could make her this emotional. But her best friend had a baby. A sweet baby boy. Anna's breaths were labored and she had laid herself back against the pillows.

"Is he okay?" Anna asked Mary. Mary nodded.

"You did well," she added, with a smile. "Listen to those lungs." Mary stood up and walked over to where the nurse was doing the quick measurements. The small boy was not happy. Mary could not contain her smile. It had spread larger than it ever had before. She had not known she could love another's child this deeply. Of course she had been there from the beginning. She had been to most of the appointments and had helped Anna prepare the nursery for the small boy.

Mary stayed behind the nurse, as the nurse went over to Anna and handed the baby to her. Mary watched intently, her smile growing even wider when the baby was placed in Anna's arms. Anna's face was covered in sweat and was flushed, but a smile graced her lips as she looked at her baby boy. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Mary retook her seat next to Anna.

"He's beautiful," Anna said, placing her finger in the baby's hand. "I can't believe he is mine."

"Me either," Mary mused. "Does he have a name?" Mary had been asking for months. She had been there when they were told he was a boy, but Anna had never settled on a name for him.

"Yes," Anna said. "Bennett. It means blessed."

"I love it, can I?" Mary questioned, wanting to hold the boy. Anna happily handed Bennett over to Mary. Mary's finger ran along the side of the small boy's face. His lips pierced together at her touch.

"I want you to be his Godmother, Mary."

"Well, of course I am," Mary simply said. "Who else would be?" Anna chuckled.

"Will you give him a middle name? Something special to you?" Anna asked, her hand reaching over to touch her son's cheek.

"Matthew," Mary quickly said. Anna's eyes filled with tears.

"Really?" She asked. It was an honor, really. Matthew had been Mary's young love. The two were supposed to be married nearly three years ago, but he had died in a car crash two weeks before the marriage was supposed to happen. Anna had been there for Mary through all those dark days after his death. It had been a long year of unhappiness for Mary. Even though she still missed him terribly, she was finally able to step out of the darkness of losing him about a year after his death.

"Yes, I want to give him that name."

"Oh, Mary. I love it. Hello, Bennett Matthew Smith."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

"Bennett?" Mary questioned, walking into the kitchen. She found the small boy peeking into the pantry and pulling out a box of cereal. The boy peered over the back of the door and gave Mary a shy grin.

"Just getting some cereal, Auntie Mary!" The boy said happily, before realizing he couldn't reach the bowls. Mary giggled, taking a step forward and grabbing a bowl for the boy.

"Where's your mum?"

"She's sleeping," he said simply. "I went into her room and she was snoring," he stated dramatically. "It can be loud."

"Well, let's let her sleep," Mary replied. "We can eat breakfast and then you can go outside and play on your playset for a bit." Bennett smiled, appearing happy with her suggestion.

"I like our new house, Auntie Mary," Bennett told her, taking a big bite of his cereal. Milk spilled from his mouth and covered his lower lip. Without much though, Mary grabbed a small napkin and wiped it away. She was almost like a second parent to Bennett. She had been in his life as much as possible; never missing a birthday or holiday. The holidays had always been tricky. She had to spend Christmas mornings with her family, but she always caught a flight so she was at Anna's by that afternoon.

"Do I get to stay here? Forever?" Bennett asked his aunt.

"If you'd like," Mary replied.

"With you?"

"Of course, Bennett. You can stay with me as long as you want to." At Mary's words, Bennett grinned widely. Mary's lips, however, faltered.

"Cereal today?" Anna's voice rang from the entrance of the kitchen. Bennett jumped out of his chair and ran to his mother, wrapping his arms around his legs. Anna slowly bent down to his level, ruffling his hair.

"Mummy, Auntie Mary said we can stay here forever," he told her, beaming. "And she'll stay with us."

"Do you like it here?" Anna earnestly asked, her hand resting against Bennett's cheek.

"Yes, and Auntie Mary! She said she'll stay with us."

"And that makes you happy?" Anna searched his face making sure he was truly happy here.

"Yes."

"Good," Anna told him. She stood back up and Bennett reached his hands up, wanting his mother to hold him. "Not right now, you're a big boy, Bennett. Go finish your breakfast and then you can go outside to play."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Work had begun to slow down at their agency. It was that sweet spot, as he called it, of time where the advertising slowed down for one short week. Usually, it would catch back up and soon they would be overwhelmed again. He opened his side drawer and pulled out a framed photo he had of Anna. It used to sit on his desk, but once she stopped talking to him he had put it away. He had never been able to get rid of it, though. Every once in a while, he had glanced at it to see her face. Now that he knew everything, he lifted the photo up and placed it back on the corner of his desk.

A small sigh left his lips. He hated that he had never known what had happened to Anna. A large part of him wanted to travel to Italy and find the guy who had drugged and taken advantage of her. He knew he would have no idea where to even begin to look, but he was filled with rage at how she had been hurt.

After getting home the night before, he hadn't been able to sleep. Tears kept trying to leave his eyes or he would get angry, thinking of all she had been through. Of course, he couldn't go and find him, even if he had the means to do it. Anna had Bennett. Finding the man, meant finding Bennett's father and that would only hurt Anna. It wouldn't help her. So instead, he just stewed within is deep thoughts.

The little boy seemed sweet, at least within the short moments he saw of the boy. He couldn't believe that Anna had a child. For over four years, she had raised the boy on his own. Thankfully she had had Mary. John didn't know what Anna would have done without her friend. For Mary, he was grateful.

"Bates," Robert asked, standing in John's doorway.

"Yes?"

"Cora wants to throw a dinner party in a few days. She asked me to drop the invitation to you," Robert said. Then his lips twisted slightly. "She is extending the invitation to Anna, as well. She just heard she was back in town. So I'll understand if…"

"I can come," John quickly answered. Any chance of being near Anna sounded perfect to him. Robert seemed surprised by John's quick response. "Anna and I spoke yesterday. We are on good terms again," John filled in. Robert's face relaxed and he grinned.

"Oh, that's good! Did you ever figure out why she disappeared?"

"I did, but I can't really speak much about it."

"Well I am glad you two have sorted that all out. Cora will be happy to know you are coming. I'll go and let her know."

John smiled. Even if Anna and he could only be friends, he wanted to have some kind of relationship with her again. The five years had been too long without her.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna sat on the back porch, watching as Bennett played on his new play structure. Mary had really gone above and beyond for her godson. Anna felt so grateful for her. It was a treat for Bennett to be able to play in his own backyard whenever he wanted. At the moment, he was finding sticks around the play structure and setting up a pile at the bottom of the slide.

The back door opened and Mary stepped out. She stood against the door frame and sighed.

"I just talked to Mama," Mary said, breaking the silence. "She wants you to come to a dinner party on Friday night."

Anna's eyebrows rose. "Friday night?"

"Yes, word has gotten out that you are back in town. Mama wants to see you. She always liked you."

"I don't know about that, Mary. What about Bennett?" Mary shook her head.

"Mama knows you have a son; I told her when she called to invite you. She said the more the merrier. Edith is coming into town with Bertie and bringing Marigold. Little Sybbie will be there too," Mary informed Anna. "They have a room just for the children. Bennett will have fun."

"I guess," Anna said with a sigh. "Will John be there?"

"I don't know. Mama did invite him. He is Papa's closest friend."

"Of course," Anna replied. She began to chew on her lower lip. "Is this a good idea?" She asked Mary a moment later. Mary took a seat on the porch next to Anna and offered her a gentle smile.

"I think it is never a bad thing to love, Anna. No matter what," Mary said sincerely. Anna wasn't sure she had ever heard such poignant words from her friend. "Come to the dinner. If it becomes too much, we'll leave."

"Okay."

_To be continued..._

_Next chapter will be the dinner party. Will they be reunited for good? We shall see. As always, let me know what you think! _


	8. Can be Restored

_Thanks again everyone! This chapter is the first (and likely only) one without flashbacks. It is pretty much all John/Anna. At the end it is a soft M rating. If you don't like that, I have broken that section off with Ms instead of Xs, so you can skip over it. It's very mildly M though. Enjoy!_

**Everything that was Taken can be Restored **

Standing in front of Cora and Robert's door, made Anna suddenly question what she was doing here. She stepped back slightly and bit her lower lip. Fear began to bubble within the pit of her stomach. They would have questions about Bennett and John would be here.

"Anna, why are you just standing there? Go on in," Mary said, pushing past her and opening the front door. Anna stayed put. Fear rooting her in her spot. Mary turned and sighed. "Anna, it'll be fine." Then she turned her attention to Bennett, sticking out her hand for him to take it. "Come with Aunt Mary, let's go meet some other children for you to play with." The boy's dark eyes lit up at that. He loved getting to play with other kids. Often, it was just him with his mummy or the nanny.

Anna took a deep breath and then slowly entered the threshold of the home. It was just as beautiful as Anna had remembered. It seemed like a different lifetime when she was one of the maids helping to keep the place in order.

"Anna!" Cora's voice came from the sitting room. She stood from her chair and walked right over to greet her. "We are so glad you could make it."

Anna forced a small smile on her nervous lips, "Thank you for the invite."

"Where is your little one?" Anna's eyes glanced around the room. She didn't see where Mary had gone.

"He was with Mary," Anna answered.

"Oh, I bet she took him out back. They are playing in the backyard." Cora led Anna through the house and to the back porch.

When Anna got outside, she saw both Robert and John playing with the three small children. Bennett had already made his place within the game they were playing. At least Bennett seemed to fit in with no problems. Anna stepped to the end of the porch to watch them more closely. It seemed to be a made up game where the children kicked or threw the ball and another tried to catch it. Robert or John would randomly pick them up and swing them around, causing major fits of laughter from the children.

"Me! Me!" Bennett begged for a turn. Anna watched as John lifted her son and turned him quickly. A weird feeling spread through Anna's small frame. There was this feeling of longing and hurt. A dream she had always had where they were happy and together was playing in front of her almost like a cruel joke. Her smile faltered.

"They are so good with them," Anna said, when she realized Cora was still standing next to Anna.

"Oh yes, Robert is much more hands on as a grandfather than he was as a father. I think it makes him sad on what he missed out on," Cora said with a tilt of her head. "And John…well he's always great with the little ones. I think he enjoys it."

Cora excused herself to check on the food for dinner, leaving Anna to watch as the children all played.

"Anna, are you alright?" Mary's voice startled Anna and she slightly jumped. She turned to face her friend and attempted a smile.

"Why do you ask?"

"You look a bit down in the mouth," she replied simply. Anna shook her head.

"It's silly," Anna downplayed. "You have these dreams and then they can never happen and…" Her voice faded. "As I said, it's silly." Mary's lips twisted slightly, before she sighed.

"It's not silly. You and I have both lost some dreams, Anna. But he's here, Anna. Enjoy it, at least for tonight," Mary told her. She reached over and gave Anna's upper arm a squeeze. Anna placed her hand over Mary's and gave her a small smile.

"I couldn't ask for a better friend, than you," Anna told her. Mary, uncomfortable with too much sappiness, just shook her head.

"Well, of course not."

At that, Anna laughed.

Soon after, they were called in to eat dinner. Two tables had been set up. A small one for the children and a big one for the adults. Bennett was ecstatic to get to eat with his new friends. After Anna got his plate ready and situated him at his table, she walked over to the big one. It was then that she noticed the seats were assigned. Right next to her would be John. Anna glanced over to Mary who just shrugged her shoulders, but Anna knew she had put Cora up to this. In all her years of coming over to their dinner parties, she had never, not once, seen assigned seating.

-X-

"Assigned seating?" John questioned, stepping into the room and noticing the notes above each table setting. "You never have….." his words paused when he saw Robert's eyebrows rising and his finger coming to his lips to stop him. John narrowed his eyes. What were they up to? Rounding the table, he found he had been placed next to Anna. Seemed someone- likely Mary and Cora- were trying to play matchmaker tonight.

Sitting down at the table, he saw Anna nervously folding and unfolding her napkin in her lap. Upon noticing him, Anna's eyes shifted up to his and she gave him an awkward smile. She grabbed her glass in front of her and took a small sip of water.

"I think we have some people playing matchmaker tonight," John said playfully under his breath. Anna nodded. She placed her water back where it belonged and attempted to think of a good reply. All the words she could think of, however, stayed stuck within her throat. As her eyes scanned the table, she saw everyone glance quickly away. She felt like she was in a fish bowl being watched closely.

"No one is even talking to one another," Anna finally said, quietly. "We're being watched."

"Should we give them a show?" John joked.

"No," Anna said quickly. Her hands grasped for her silverware and began to slowly pick at her food on her plate.

"Would anyone like some wine?" Robert questioned, as he began to walk around the table to fill up everyone's wine glasses. When he reached Anna, she shook her head. It surprised John. Anna had always liked a simple glass of wine. She was never one to drink a lot, but she did like to sip on wine at the end of her day. When the two of them had been dating, he would often try to find something new and exciting for her to try. It had been like a fun challenge that he had invented for himself.

Then John remembered what Anna had told him about that particular night. She had gone for one drink of wine before that man drugged her and…. He couldn't even think of the word. It made his hands shake in anger. But perhaps that was why she didn't drink anymore.

"You…you were good with all the kids outside," Anna finally began, attempting a bit of small talk. "Bennett had a lot of fun."

"He's a good kid," John replied. "The kids keep Robert on his toes. Tom's got them calling him Donk instead of Grandpapa," he said with a chuckle.

"Yes, Mary told me about it. I would guess Robert likes it more than he lets on," she pushed the food across her plate. Her hand shook slightly.

"Are you alright?" At that, Anna looked up and gave him a smile.

"Yes, just a bit tired. Bennett doesn't let me rest much. He's an active boy."

"Will he be starting school soon?"

"Yes," Anna replied. "I'm not sure I'm ready though. He is. I can't hold him back." A small glance of longingness covered Anna's features, but it was gone as quickly as it came. There was a sadness in her eyes and it radiated from her body. John could sense it. Without any thought, his hand reached over and rested on her knee. Anna shifted slightly, but didn't push his hand away. She glanced up and met his eyes.

"I bet it's hard, your little one growing so quickly."

"It is, but I am excited to see who he becomes," Anna answered. She placed her hand over his and gave it a squeeze. She couldn't explain the electricity of his touch. It was something she had missed.

"Alright, come on kids. I'll put on a movie for you in the playroom," Edith's voice interrupted their moment. Anna glanced over at the kid table to see they were all finished eating and getting restless. Edith was corralling all three to a room down the hall.

"Will Bennett be alright?" Anna questioned Mary across the table. Mary nodded. Anna twitched her lips. She didn't want Bennett to be a burden on anyone. He was sweet, but could be very active. She didn't want to upset their normal family evenings on account of her.

"Will you step outside for me after dinner?" John questioned quietly. Anna turned. Her lips pierced as she studied his features. Longing was etched over his face.

"Sure."

-X-

The air was growing nippy and Anna tightened her small sweater over her shoulders. From behind her, John slipped his large jacket over her frame. It nearly engulfed her small frame, but she happily breathed the scent of the jacket against her. It smelled like him. It reminded her of a simpler, better time.

"Thank you," Anna said, turning so she was looking up at the sky. "I forgot how much I loved the stars. In London, I barely got to see them."

"Yes, the stars are nice out here," John agreed. He brought his hand up to the small of her back. Anna sighed. It was almost as though no time had passed and nothing had changed. Those small nuances were coming back to them so quickly. Anna thought about pulling away, but she didn't have the strength. His touch was all she had wanted for so long.

"I…." Anna let her words fade. She melted into John's side, allowing his arm to pull her closer. _This isn't a good idea,_ she thought to herself.

"I missed this," John said into the air.

"Oh John, I missed you so much," Anna finally allowed herself to admit to him. She pressed her face into his chest and allowed a few tears to fall down her cheeks. John gently placed his hand under her chin and lifted her head so that their eyes would meet.

"I missed you too," he told her. "I never stopped thinking about you, and heaven knows I tried, Anna. I tried to forget you; I tried to move on, but I couldn't."

"I ruined everything," Anna cried, her lower lip trembling.

"Anna, no," John soothed, moving his hand to cradle her cheek. Anna closed her eyes and turned her face into the palm of his hand. "That bastard who…who…"

"Raped me," Anna said simply, pulling away from his hand. John swallowed hard. "He raped me, but I don't regret going out that night, John. Because had I not gone out, I wouldn't have Bennett. And I will _never_ regret him."

"Of course not, my darling," the old term of endearment left his lips so easily. "You are a wonderful mother to him. He's a great kid."

A small smile graced Anna's lips. "He is," she agreed. "I had to go through a lot of therapy to work through my gratefulness of him and hatred for his father. I'm not sure it worked, but I do know that I don't regret that night. He's my world."

"I know," John said simply, stepping into the gap between the two of them. He placed his hand back onto her cheek and ran his thumb over her lips. "God, I missed you," he breathed. Anna sighed into his hand. But then her eyes shot open. She glanced down at her watch.

"It's late. I have to get Bennett home."

John followed her into the house. The two of them walked to the playroom and found all three kids asleep on a pallet that was on the floor. Anna sighed heavily.

"I'm going to have to wake him and he's going to be grumpy the whole walk home." Mary's house wasn't far from their home. In fact, they basically shared backyards. Sybil and Tom also had a home within walking distance. There was a lot ready for Edith and Bertie if they ever decided to move back to the Downton Estate. Anna could tell that Cora and Robert would love to have their granddaughter Marigold just as close as Sybbie.

"No, don't wake him. I can carry him," John told Anna.

"You don't have to," Anna said.

"I know," John offered her a smile. He bent down and picked the small boy up. He lifted effortlessly within his arms. Anna's hand clutched over her heart. They looked as though they belonged together. She bit onto her lower lip and sighed. If only, she thought.

They quietly exited the playroom, so they wouldn't wake the other two children. Anna glanced around the hallway searching for Mary. Tom caught her eye.

"She went on home; she said you had someone to walk you both home," Tom said slyly. Anna's cheeks reddened. Tomorrow she would have a talk with Mary about all of this. But then, John's hand entangled with hers and she forgot all about her embarrassment from being the center of everyone's attention that night.

Cora let them borrow a blanket to place over Bennett so they wouldn't have to wake him to put on his jacket. Anna wrapped it around his frame so it wouldn't fall off as they headed back to the house.

"Thank you," Anna said sincerely to Cora, before they stepped out onto the front porch.

The walk home was a quiet one. Anna wasn't sure if it was because they were afraid to wake Bennett or both afraid of their night ending. The two of them had melted together and it seemed as though no time had passed. Neither was ready for it to be over.

When they reached the house, Anna led John to Bennett's room. She watched as John gingerly placed the sleeping boy into his bed. After John stepped back, Anna fixed the covers around the small boy's frame and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"I love you," she whispered to the boy.

Standing up, she realized John had left the bedroom. Her heart dropped. Perhaps he had headed back to Robert and Cora's to get his car and head home. He didn't owe her anything. She hadn't realized how disappointed she would be when they would part that evening. Sighing, she stepped out into the hallway.

Her disappointment faded. There John stood, leaning against her bedroom door. Upon seeing her enter the hallway, he straightened up and smiled.

"You stayed," Anna breathed.

"Of course, I couldn't leave without saying goodbye."

Anna stepped forward slowly and twisted her lips. She curved her head up and John read her thoughts, because he quickly caught her lips with his. Anna contently sighed. This. This is what she missed; the two of them being connected.

Pulling back, Anna smiled. "You don't have to leave, not yet," she told him.

"I don't know if that's a good idea, Anna," his words were unconvincing. Anna could see that look in his eyes. He was wanting what she wanted.

"It is," Anna countered. "I know we just saw each other the other day for the first time in five years, but John, we love each other." At that, John couldn't disagree. The connection between the two of them had always been strong. Before they started dating, John kept trying to push her away because of the age difference. His resistance had been futile, of course. Because any time the two of them were in the same room together they were automatically attracted to one another.

-M-M-

Closing her bedroom door, Anna locked the lock. John's eyebrows furrowed questioningly.

"Bennett," Anna answered simply. She couldn't have him waking up and walking into her bedroom in the middle of the night to his mother with a man in her bed. Bennett had never seen his mother with another man, because she hadn't dated since John. It had always been John.

John slowly nodded, before stepping toward her. He placed his hands on either side of her face and pulled her in for a kiss. Anna moaned slightly. Her hands came up behind his back and brought him closer to her, closing any gap between them.

Slowly pulling back, John rested his forehead on Anna's. "Are you sure?" He questioned. Anna's eyes met his and she smiled.

"I am," she said, before placing her lips back onto his. But suddenly she stopped. "Do…do you have protection? I…I can't get pregnant again." At her words, John peered at her carefully. The way she said that made it seem like she could never have another child, but he was probably reading her cadence wrong. She obviously didn't need to get pregnant right now, but perhaps in the future….he let his thoughts fade.

"I do," John replied. Then chuckled. "I don't know why; I haven't been with anyone since you."

"Truly," Anna questioned, her hand coming up to cover John's. John smiled.

"Truly." Anna's eyes fluttered, she pressed a kiss to his hand.

"Me either." Anna slowly led him to her bed. The two deepened their kiss and they both moaned into one another's mouth. Anna positioned herself so that she was on top of John. Her lips came down to caress that sweet spot on his neck he liked. In response, John's hands went under the back of her shirt and up her back. He was pleasantly surprised to find she wasn't wearing a bra. John brought his hands back down to grab at the corners of her shirt. Before he could lift it up, Anna paused his hands.

"Leave it on," she said, between kisses.

"Anna…"

"I…I am just a bit self-conscious since I had Bennett, is all," she told him, sitting back slightly.

"I am sure you…"

"Please," Anna pleaded. While John was sure she was still absolutely gorgeous, he respected her wishes. He re-caught her lips into his.

Their kisses were passionate, but calmly passionate. It was as though they were trying to enjoy every sweet moment. Nothing was rushed. The two were making up for lost time. Anna's hand slipped down and ran under the front of his shirt. She slowly began pulling it up and John sat up, so she could pull it over his head.

"That's not fair," he joked. "You're fully clothed." Anna smirked and pulled her pants down, leaving her in her shirt and knickers.

"Better?" John responded, by leaning over her and pressing kisses against her neck, bringing about new moans of pleasure. His hand ran down her side and rested above her thigh. His eyes searched hers to make sure she wanted all of this. Before he could say anything, she took his hand and led it further down her thigh and between her legs to her center.

"I want you," she said, grabbing at his pants. John quickly slipped them off. He kissed her once more, before pulling himself over her.

"Are you sure?" He questioned once more, positioning himself over her.

"Yes," she said eagerly.

The two gradually connected and they both sighed in relief. They both knew this is where they belonged. Unhurriedly, they allowed themselves become one again.

_To be continued..._

_Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think and if you would like more soon. _


	9. Brighter than Before

_As always, thank you! I hope you continue to enjoy! _

**Brighter than Before **

John's eyes slowly fluttered awake and adjusted to the sunlight that was entering through the blinds in the window. As he awoke, he remembered he was with Anna. A happy moan left his lips. It hadn't been a dream. The two were tangled together; Anna's back was pressed against his stomach. During his sleep, John's hand must have ridden up her shirt and it was resting on top of one of her breasts. He slowly pulled it down and across her tight stomach. In the small area he could see, she had nothing to be self-conscious about.

He brought his hand up to push a stray hair off her cheek. She was still sleeping soundly. He could feel her chest rise and fall against his other hand. Knowing he would let her remain asleep, John shifted only slightly to adjust his frame. He watched her closely to make sure his movements didn't disturb her; she was still out.

"Mummy! Mummy! The door is locked!" There was a shake of the doorknob as Bennett called through the door. Immediately, Anna jerked awake. She yawned and turned onto her back. "Mummy! Where are you? I can't open the door." Anna's eyes widened and she sat up suddenly.

"You…you have to go," Anna said, as she climbed out of the bed and grabbed a pair of pants to throw on her. "He can't see you here." Her eyes were frantically trying to find John an escape route, while John quickly put his clothes back on. "The window."

"What?" John questioned with a laugh. "We aren't sixteen, Anna. Can't I just…"

"No," Anna whispered.

"Mummy! Who's in there?" Anna placed her finger over her mouth.

"No one, Bennett. Mummy is just watching the telly. I'll be there in a moment," Anna walked over to the window and began lifting the blinds so that she could open the window.

"Can I take you both to brunch?" John questioned quietly, as he attempted to silently make his way out of the window. His cheeks flushed as he thought about what he, a grown man, was doing.

"I…." Anna said anxiously, her teeth came down on her lower lip.

"Please say yes, I won't leave until you do," John said with a grin. Anna giggled.

"Okay, yes. Now go!" John bent over and caught her lips into his before escaping out of the window. Anna quickly closed the window behind him and rushed to the door, unlocking it.

When she opened it, Bennett looked impatient. His brows had furrowed and his hands were resting on his hips.

"Mummy, you aren't supposed to lock your door," he admonished. Anna reached her hand over to ruffle his hair.

"I know, sorry bud," Anna took a deep breath. "Remember John from last night?" Bennett nodded. "Did you like him?"

"Yes. He was funny," Bennett giggled.

"Good, we're going to go eat brunch with him. So let's go and get you dressed."

"Brunch?" Bennett's nose scrunched up.

"It's a late breakfast or early lunch," Anna explained, as she led him to his bedroom. After she picked out the clothes for Bennett, she told him to get dressed.

"Will you dress me?" Bennett asked. Anna sighed.

"Bennett, I'm sorry but you aren't an English aristocrat and I'm not your valet. You'll have to dress yourself."

Bennett grumbled under his breath, but did as he was told. Anna went back to her bedroom to try to decide what to wear. Pulling her shirt over her frame, she sighed looking into the mirror. Her hand ran over the top of her chest and rested on the place she was trying to hide from John last night. She knew she would have to tell him soon, but she just wanted to be normal for a little bit. Being back with John was so fresh and new. She didn't want it ruined just yet.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"So," Mary said, entering the kitchen. "I saw a certain someone walking between our house and Mama and Papa's this morning," Mary's eyebrows wiggled. Anna rolled her eyes.

"I made him sneak out the window," Anna confessed with a giggle. "He's going to come back in a little bit to take Bennett and me to brunch. You're welcome to join." Mary shook her head.

"I do hope you used protection," Mary simply stated, before taking a seat next to Anna. Anna felt her cheeks redden.

"Mary," she admonished.

"Well," Mary just said, crooking her head to the side. Then she straightened her head and watched Anna intently. "You did use protection, didn't you?"

"Yes," Anna stated impertinently.

"Thank god," Mary breathed. "So you told him then?" Anna shook her head. "You didn't?"

"Not yet," Anna's lower lip quivered slightly. "I just wanted a few days where everything is normal. I…I'll tell him soon." Mary's face softened. She opened her mouth to speak, but Bennett ran in with his shirt on inside out. Both women laughed.

"Here, Bennett. Let me help," Mary offered. She lifted the shirt off of Bennett and corrected it, before putting it back on him.

"I guess Auntie Mary is my valet," Bennett exclaimed.

"Oh Bennett, you're silly," Anna told her son. "It'll be a little while before brunch. Do you want a little snack?" Anna walked over to the pantry to find something small for Bennett. She paused briefly at the door and closed her eyes.

"Anna?" Mary said with concern lacing her voice. She stepped toward her and placed her hands on her shoulders to steady her friend. "Come sit down," Mary led her to the table.

"I'm fine," Anna stated a moment later. "I just got a little bit lightheaded. I should probably eat something as well." Mary nodded, but seemed unconvinced.

Grabbing some crackers from the pantry, Mary said, "I have some nanny applications for you to look through. I would like us to interview them next week."

"Mary…"

"No, Anna. This is nonnegotiable. I will have to start back at Downton soon; Tom can't do it all. I won't be able to be here to help you. The applications have been emailed to you. Look them over and let me know which ones stick out to you."

"Okay."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"I hope you like pancakes," John said, as the car pulled up to a small restaurant. Bennett squealed happily in the backseat. "Good, because this is the best place for them!" John quickly exited his side of the car before running around to the other side to open the door for Anna. Anna smiled. It reminded her of all those years ago together. He was always so gallant. John then unbuckled Bennett's seat to let him out. Bennett climbed out and ran to the sidewalk. John and Anna walked behind him. Their hands entangled. Anna happily sighed, as John's thumb ran around the backside of her hand.

When they found their seats, Bennett glanced up at John.

"Can I watch videos on your phone?"

"No, Bennett," Anna quickly admonished. "Here, draw a picture on the back of the kid's menu." Her eyes moved to John's. "Sorry about that. He thinks if he comes out to eat he should be able to watch videos on a phone. It's my fault really. Before I became a parent, I thought I would never let my kid get screen time, especially in a restaurant. I hate to admit it, but he gets a lot more screen time than I ever expected."

"He seems to be a well-adjusted kid to me," John stated. He watched as Bennett drew a picture of the Solar System on the back of the paper.

"He is," Anna agreed. John's hand reached across the table to take her hand into his. A smile graced Anna's lips. How was this so easy? She wondered to herself. They had been apart for so long and she knew she had hurt him, but here they were. He had forgiven her so quickly and they all fit together so perfectly. Bennett and he got along so well, too.

"I keep thinking this is just a dream," Anna admitted, chewing on the side of her lip.

"It's not, my darling."

Anna's smile widened. "I know."

Three big stacks of pancakes were brought out and placed on the table. Bennett's eyes widened.

"All of these?" He asked.

"And more," John told him. "They bring you out pancakes until you can't eat anymore." Bennett's lips curled into a smile.

"I'll eat a hundred!" Anna giggled at her son's determination.

"Well, we'll start with two," she told him. She grabbed an empty plate and placed two pancakes on to it for Bennett. Bennett sighed, hoping for more, but took the plate happily when his mother handed it over to him.

As Anna expected, Bennett only ate one and a half of the pancakes. She ate his last half, leaving John to polish off the rest of them.

"I can't do it," John teased, grabbing another pancake off the pile. "You both have to help me."

"You shouldn't have ordered that many," Anna said with a chuckle. John's eyes glanced up at hers and she shuddered. Biting down on her lip to keep from blushing, Anna turned her attention to her son. "Let's wipe you up," she pulled some wipes out of her purse. "Once you start using these, you quickly learn how they can be used for everything." Grabbing a wipe, she ran it over Bennett's face and hands. "Want one?" Anna offered to John.

"No thank you, I think I've managed to stay clean," he told smiling.

-X-X-X-X-X-

When they got back to the house, Bennett ran inside the house to find Mary. He wanted to show her his picture he had drawn. Both Anna and John stood at the door. John's hand came around to Anna's arm and he ran his fingers up and down the side of it.

"You could come in," Anna offered, her lips parting slightly.

"No, I'd love to, but I have to get some work done this afternoon. Perhaps this evening?"

"Mr. Bates," Anna admonished, her cheeks turning a bright red. John felt the most amazing feeling creeping through his body. She hadn't playfully called him that in so long.

"Not like that," John stated with a shake of his head. "Maybe I could come by for dinner? Or dessert?"

"Yes, I think I'd like that," Anna agreed. John stepped forward, his hand skirting up her arm. Then he kissed the top of her head.

"I'll see you later," he said, before pulling away. Anna smiled.

"See you later."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2018_

Stepping into Anna's apartment, Mary noticed Bennett was sitting on the couch watching a movie. Bennett immediately turned, his face brightening when he saw who it was.

"Auntie Mary!" The three year old stated excitedly, jumping off the couch and running toward her. Mary happily bent down to pick him up and hold him close within her arms.

"Where's your mummy?" She asked. Mary had just arrived into town. She had a key for Anna's apartment and had allowed herself in. Bennett pointed to Anna's bedroom door. Mary carried Bennett to Anna's door and knocked.

"Come in," Anna stated. Mary opened the door to find Anna lying on her bed, sipping on some tea.

"Are you sick?" Mary questioned, stepping back slightly.

"Yes, I think I've caught a cold," Anna told her simply.

"Where's your nanny to help with Bennett?"

"She doesn't work on days I am not working. I don't work on Wednesdays, remember?"

"Yes, but if you're sick, you should be using her to help around. I can pay her more for overtime," Mary said.

"I don't like that you have to pay her at all," Anna said, slowly sitting up. "You have been paying for nannies ever since he was born so I could finish my internship and now work. Soon he'll start school and I should be able to cover any help I'll need after that point."

"I don't mind," Mary stated.

"I know you don't. And I'm grateful, really." And Anna really was. Had it not been for Mary, Anna didn't know where she would be now. Mary had gone above and beyond for her and Bennett. She did hope, however, that she would one day be able to pay her back in some way. Soon, she would be able to take over financially on her own and perhaps slowly begin to be able to pay Mary her money back. Although, she knew, Mary would never accept it.

"I still think you should make the nanny stay whenever you are sick, Anna. That's what she's here for, to help you."

"Plenty of parents raise kids when they are sick, Mary. I just have a cold," Anna chuckled. The two had been raised very differently.

"Alright, Bennett and I will go and make you some soup-or maybe buy it," Mary quickly added, realizing she didn't know the first thing about making soup.

Thankfully, she found that Anna had some canned soups in her pantry. Mary heated some up, before walking it back to Anna's bedroom. When she reached the door, she was surprised to find Anna not in her bed.

"Anna?" She asked, setting the soup on her bedside table. She headed toward her bathroom and saw the door was closed. She knocked her knuckles against the door. "Anna, I put your soup by your bedside table. I think I'll take Bennett to the park for a little bit." There was no answer. "Anna?" She questioned again.

Turning the knob, Mary found it wasn't locked. Her breath caught in her throat when she found Anna passed out on the floor.

"Anna!"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now _

It had been nearly three weeks since John and Anna had reconnected. Almost every day they saw each other in some capacity. Some days, John would join them at the park for playtime or go out to eat a meal with Bennett and Anna. Several nights he had snuck into her bedroom once Bennett was asleep and then sneak out the window in the mornings if Bennett had already awoken. Tonight, however, they would be having their first real date in a long time.

The new nanny, Phyllis Baxter, would be watching Bennett for her, because Mary had a work dinner that evening. Mary had hired her as a full time nanny. She lived in the room down the hallway and had one day a week off. Anna felt it was a bit much; none of her other nannies had been live-in ones. But she did like Baxter, as Bennett preferred to call her. She was older and Anna could tell she had done this for a while. Bennett enjoyed her company. It was nice, Anna had to admit, for Baxter to take Bennett to the park or outside for a while so she could work on her new cookbook without a four year old underfoot.

As Mary helped Anna pull her hair up and into a soft side bun, she twisted her lips.

"You're telling him tonight?" Anna nodded.

"Yes, it's time," Anna answered.

"I agree," Mary said, meeting her eyes in the mirror.

"Plus, he's probably ready for me to stop wearing a shirt all the time," Anna said with a chuckle, before her lips faltered.

"It's going to be alright," Mary assured her friend. "Baxter will have Bennett, so you guys take as long as you need." Anna nodded, but her stomach wasn't settled. She wasn't sure she was ready for the truth to come out.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John pulled out Anna's chair for her and brought her jacket around her shoulders. Their dinner had been lovely, but Anna had seemed distant. That was the first thing John had noticed. While they spoke, she seemed light years away. Every so often she would offer him a smile, but then she would glance off in a corner and grow quiet again.

When they stepped out of the restaurant, John took her hand into his.

"Is everything alright, my darling?" He asked her. Anna slowly nodded. "I was thinking we could walk down the street a little bit. There's a new ice cream place and I remember how much you like ice cream."

"I do," Anna agreed. She paused and grabbed at John's hands. "I…I need to tell you something. I had thought I could wait until the end of the night, but I am too anxious. Maybe I should just get it out now."

John's face fell.

"Do you want to end things?" He asked point blank. If this was the end, he didn't want to beat around the bush.

"What? No," Anna said quickly. John let out a sigh of relief.

"The walkway is crowded. Once we get to the ice cream place, we can talk, okay?"

Anna nodded. As they began to walk, Anna slowed down her pace. Over the last few days, she kept feeling lightheaded. She had hoped dinner would help. John seemed to notice her pace slowing down. She heard him say something, but she couldn't quite make out what it was. Suddenly, she began to have a hard time breathing.

"Anna?" John worriedly questioned.

"I…I just…" Anna's face grew pale and her eyes rolled to the back of her head, before she fainted.

"Anna!"

_To be continued..._

_I am somewhat sorry I ended this in a cliffhanger. More soon! Please let me know what you think! _


	10. My Heart, My Soul Aches

_As always, thank you so much! Enjoy!_

**My Heart, My Soul Aches**

_Now_

John strode next to Anna on the crowded walkway, anxious of whatever Anna needed to talk about with him. She seemed so apprehensive and uneasy. Taking quick steps, he soon realized Anna wasn't keeping up with him. He paused and turned to face her. Immediately, he noticed her cheeks were ashen and sunk in. Stepping toward her, he placed his hand on her upper arm to steady her.

"Anna, are you feeling okay?" He asked her carefully. Anna didn't respond. He watched as she began to struggle taking in breaths and he grew panicked. His eyes glanced around him as he tried to find her a place to sit.

"Anna?" He was growing more and more concerned.

"I…I just…" She was struggling more and more. Her lips parted and face went completely white, before she fell into his arms.

"Anna!" John screamed. He carefully got down, bringing her along with him. His hands felt for her pulse. In the little army training he had on medical issues, he knew some of the signs to look for when someone was seriously ill. He could feel people crowding around him and he tensed, trying to ignore him. His hands were shaky, but he finally found her pulse. It was there, but weak. Rooting for his phone to telephone an ambulance, he heard a familiar voice call out.

"John?! John is that you?" John looked up to find Tom and Sybil pushing through the crowd. The two were dressed up and John thought how they must have been on their own date night. Sybil, being a doctor, bent right down to Anna and placed her fingers over her wrist to find her pulse. John sat in shock, thinking of the coincidence of being in the same place at the same time as Tom and Sybil. Then he shook his head and got back to calling an ambulance. He fumbled over his words until he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. Giving them a clear idea of where they were, he listened as the operator asked more questions about Anna.

"I…I don't know," he answered, as the operator asked if Anna had any preexisting conditions.

"Let me talk to them," Sybil asked, reaching her hand out. John handed over the phone and returned his attention to Anna. Her head was resting on his lap. He reached his hand out to stroke her hair and he grimaced when he noticed how labored her breathing was. As he placed his hand against her cheek, he heard Sybil say some words that caught his attention.

"Yes, she has cardiomyopathy and has a pacemaker."

John's eyes jerked up. He knew what a pacemaker was and the word cardio meant. His face grew pale.

"What's wrong with Anna's heart?" He questioned, his lips shaking. Sybil looked up and bit her lower lip. From the corner of his eye, John could see that Tom looked just as confused as he was.

Sybil hung up the phone and they could hear the ambulance coming. Tom stood up to go and wave it down, while Sybil placed her hand over Anna's wrist to check her pulse once again.

"What's wrong with her heart?" John asked once more.

"She has a condition called cardiomyopathy, John," Sybil said, before swallowing hard. "It makes it harder for her heart to pump blood. She..she has a weak heart." John could hear the loud sounds of the ambulance as it came closer and closer. His heart felt as though it was being clinched by a vice.

"Why…why didn't I know?"

"I don't think I am supposed to know," Sybil answered honestly, "But Mary called me about a month ago and…and she told me everything. She was so upset. I think she just needed someone to talk to," Sybil explained. "She made me promise not to tell anyone."

The ambulance pulled to the side of the road and paramedics rushed out and over to John. As they began to assess the situation, Sybil started to explain what she had thought happened. She explained a bit about her condition and walked with them to the ambulance. John followed quickly behind, his hand aching to hold on to Anna's.

"You..you should go with her," John said to Sybil. Sybil's head shook, but John continued, "You understand what's wrong with her. You can help them. I'll meet you at the hospital."

"Okay, call Mary and take Tom with you, please."

John could only nod, as he watched them place the love of his life into an ambulance and ride away.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_A Month Ago _

If Sybil had to hear _Let It Go_ one more time, her head might actually explode. She couldn't help but smile, however, as Sybbie ran around in her blue sparkly dress singing it at the top of her lungs. The small girl knew every movement that Elsa made as she sang it and acted each one out.

_Ring. Ring. _

Sybil glanced down at her phone to see Mary's name flash across the top of the screen. She grabbed the phone in her hand and stepped out of the room, so she would be able to hear Mary over the sound of Elsa and Sybbie singing.

"Hello?" Sybil said, her lips curled into a smile as Sybbie began to spin. She heard a tight sob and her face fell. "Mary? Is everything alright?"

"No," Mary stated, before Sybil heard more sobs.

"What's going on, Mary?"

"It's..it's Anna," Mary told her, her words constricted. Sybil's brows furrowed. She hadn't heard Mary speak of Anna in years. Whenever they asked about her, she would barely speak a word, just stating that she was fine. They knew Mary saw Anna often, she didn't lie about that. But any information about Anna was often kept close to her chest.

"What's happened to her?"

"She's very ill, Sybil. And I don't understand everything these doctors are saying. I…I'm scared." Mary's voice was small. Sybil couldn't remember the last time she had heard her strong and stoic sister so vulnerable. It was probably after Matthew's death.

"Okay, can you tell me what the doctors said and I can try to help you understand it more," Sybil gently said. She listened as Mary told her everything. She didn't just go over what the doctor's had said, but she told her about Anna being drugged, raped, about Bennett, and then all about the past several months when Anna got sick and how she had gotten worse. As Sybil sat there, she felt like her sister had been holding on to all of this information for so long that she had just needed to get it out. Sybil was grateful that Mary felt safe enough to share it all with her.

"Sybil, you can't tell anyone any of this," Mary said, her voice sounding stronger.

"I won't."

"Not even Tom; she doesn't want anyone to know. Especially John." She could hear Mary sighing heavily on the other end before she added, "I've tried to get her to tell him everything, but she's stubborn. So I think the best course of action is to keep them apart. I have convinced her to move back home."

"That's good," Sybil said, her heart heavy. Now it all made sense; Mary's secretiveness about Anna.

"I should go; she'll be waking up soon," Mary paused. "Thank you, Sybil."

Sybil heard the phone disconnect and she slowly pulled it away from her ear. She stood frozen in her spot. Anna was seriously ill. It didn't seem real. At one point she and Anna had been friends. Not as close as she and Mary, of course, but friends none the less. When Anna disappeared, it hadn't hit her that hard. They had just grown their separate ways, she had thought. But now she knew there was much more to it and felt awful for not reaching out more. She shook her head, knowing deep down it wasn't her fault and she hadn't done anything wrong, but she still felt guilty.

"Mummy! Mummy! Can we watch _Frozen_ again?!" The little girl asked, running around the corner. Sybil offered her a kind smile and nodded.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

John paced back and forth in the waiting room, waiting to hear anything about Anna. Once he had arrived, he hadn't been able to find Sybil or have any one answer any of his questions. Tom was sitting in one of the chairs rocking anxiously. John wasn't sure if he was nervous about Anna or the situation as a whole. When John had called Mary, he had been short and to the point. He was angry with her. She hadn't told him any of this, hadn't kept him from doing something too strenuous that could hurt Anna or…. His thoughts faded. How could he have been kept in the dark all these weeks? He realized Anna was probably going to tell him tonight. It was the only thing that made sense. She had been so nervous, so scared to tell him something.

Mary burst through the hospital doors; her eyes were trained on the receptionist. Upon seeing Mary, all of John's anger toward her faded. She looked broken. Her face was flushed and lip trembling. He remembered all she had done for Anna when he couldn't. He sighed knowing Anna had probably made her keep this secret.

Stepping behind Mary, he could hear her speaking specifically to the receptionist. The receptionist nodded and stood up, disappearing behind a door. John's jaw dropped slightly, but the Crawleys did have a lot of pull in town. The lady stepped back through the door and pointed for Mary to go through them.

"Follow me," Mary said to John, leading him through the door. There were lines and lines of rooms and John didn't know how Mary knew where she was going. He knew that Cora helped at the hospital and Sybil worked here, so perhaps she knew it well.

When they reached a particular door, Mary stopped. He could see Mary's lips twisting as she tried to determine what she wanted to do. Mary ended up turning toward John and she sighed.

"I….she was going to tell you tonight. I…."

"It's okay," he said calmly. "I know she didn't want you to tell me."

"No," Mary replied. "She didn't. She didn't want to lie to you. It's just…." Her words faded. John could only nod. He understood. His lips pierced together tightly as he felt tears fill his eyes.

"Is…is she going to die?" The words came out like sandpaper. He shuddered and felt his body tense to prepare for Mary's response.

"Not today," Mary replied. "She is very ill, John. But she isn't going to die anytime soon." At that, John's body unclenched some. He had more questions, more things he wanted, no _needed_ to ask, but Anna was on the other side of the door and he needed to see her now.

Mary pushed open Anna's door and walked in. John's breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. Anna looked incredibly pale. There were wires and cords coming from her chest to a machine that continually beeped. He quickly realized it was her heart beat. Stepping forward, he swallowed hard.

From the corner of his eye, he could see Mary and Sybil hugging. Sybil was shaking her head and Mary was whispering something to her. John strained his ears to try to hear what they were saying and if they had any news on Anna.

"John, I am going to go and find the doctor and find out what is going on," Mary said, turning on her heels to face him. Her lips were tight and eyes dark, but he could see the fear beneath the surface.

After he watched Mary leave the room, John pulled a chair up next to Anna's bed. Gingerly, he took her hand into his. He noted it seemed much smaller in his grasp than he was used to. His hand began to run circles around the top of her hand and he worked hard to hold all of his fear deep within him. He couldn't break down, not now and not here. He heard Sybil say something about going to Tom, but he barely registered it. He didn't even noticing when she left the room.

Soon the door was reopened and Mary was standing with the doctor. John immediately stood.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Clarkson. I am the cardiologist. It appears Ms. Smith's pacemaker has had a malfunction, but she is going to be alright," he explained. Both John and Mary sighed in relief.

"So, she'll be okay?" John questioned again, making sure he heard the doctor correctly. The doctor nodded.

"She's under observation for tonight. Tomorrow we will run some tests to check on her heart and determine what our next steps should be." The doctor waited a moment to see if they had any more questions, before leaving Mary and John alone with Anna.

John and Mary stood awkwardly for a moment, before they both take seats in the room on opposite sides. John went back to where he was sitting earlier next to Anna. Part of her chest was uncovered and he saw the location of the pacemaker. His eyes filled with water and he thought of all the times she wouldn't allow him to take off her shirt.

Slowly, he glanced over to Mary and she appeared exhausted. He thought about how she had been the sole companion for Anna all these years and how that must have taken a lot out of her.

"Can you tell me everything?" John questioned. "How she got sick and how it progressed?"

Mary sat up and nodded.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna slowly woke up feeling groggy. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and she couldn't remember what had happened. As her eyes opened, she saw Mary asleep in a chair in the corner. Then she realized a hand was holding hers. She turned her head slightly and saw John sitting next to her. His eyes were half-way closed. At her movements, he glanced up.

"Anna?" His words were full of concern but also gratefulness that she was awake. Immediately, Anna panicked.

"Bennett, where is Bennett?"

"Shh," John soothed. "He's with Baxter. He's okay." Anna's eyes slowly closed and reopened.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her hand coming up to caress John's face. "I…I'm so sorry."

"No," John said, sitting up to press a kiss to the top of her head. "Don't apologize."

"I…I was going to tell you," tears had formed in Anna's eyes.

"I know," his voice calm and collected. He took his hand and placed it over Anna's. "I know."

_To be continued..._

_As always, let me know if you want more and what you think, please. :)_


	11. You've Got Wires

_Thank you for all the reviews, follows, readers, etc. Enjoy! _

**You've Got Wires **

_2018- Six Months Ago _

Mary tightened her robe over her frame, as she walked into the main living space of Anna's flat. A brightness made her close her eyes. It was then she realized Anna was awake and sitting on her couch, researching on her computer.

"Anna, it's nearly midnight. You should be in bed," Mary chastised. Anna barely registered Mary in the room. Her eyes zoned in on the screen. "Anna, you are supposed to be resting."

"Did you know viral cardiomyopathy is what the girl dies of in _Beaches_, Mary?" Anna's voice was tight. Mary quickly walked over to Anna's side and sat down, her face full of concern.

"That was just a movie, Anna. And it's thirty years old. Medicine has come a long way," Mary added.

"I have been doing some research…"

Mary reached across and closed Anna's laptop.

"That's enough of that," Mary told her. "You heard what the doctor said. Take your medicine and rest. You'll be feeling right as rain before you know it." Even though there was some cheerfulness in Mary's voice, she couldn't hide the concern within it.

"But what if…." Mary's hands came to rest on Anna's.

"We will cross that bridge when we get to it, Anna. All you can focus on now is getting better and the best way for that is to rest." Anna reluctantly nodded. She slowly stood to go back to bed.

"If I die, you'll take care of Bennett?" Anna said as she turned to look at Mary. Mary's breath hitched within her throat. Etched across Anna's features was deep concern for Bennett in a life without her.

"Anna, you aren't going to die."

"But if I do?" Anna's lips twitched. Mary sighed. This, all of this, was all so new to them both. Her diagnosis was just given to them that week. Mary had decided to stay in town for the next couple of weeks so Anna could get the rest she needed to start getting better.

"Of course, Anna. You know I love Bennett."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2019- About a Month Ago_

"So what are you saying doctor?"

"Treatments for this get better year after year. With this new pacemaker you should see some improvements with how you feel."

"And my life expectancy?" Anna asked, the question lingering in the air. She could feel Mary tense beside her.

"It will be much shorter than someone without your condition, Ms. Smith. But this should improve your quality of life."

"How much shorter?"

"Ms. Smith, about fifty percent of patients live past five years after their diagnosis."

Anna's face paled. Her son was four years old. In five years, he would be nine. And that was even if she made it that long. Nine years with her son was not long enough. Tears prickled in Anna's eyes. She sighed, wishing he was here and she could hold him tight within her arms. She never wanted to let him go.

"There have to be more options," Mary stated next to Anna.

"Well, as her disease progresses, we can find the best ways to manage it to help her live a full and longer life. She may need a heart transplant in the future."

The doctor stayed behind and answered a few more questions before leaving Mary and Anna alone. At the door's closure, Anna was no longer to withhold her sobs from escaping her lips. Mary inched her chair closer to Anna and grabbed her hand.

"Anna, I think you should move back home. Come and live with me. I…I had a house built recently on Downton property we could move into together. I can help you with Bennett and you can rest. If you want to work on your new cookbook, you can. Or…or you don't have to do any work. Just rest…."

"What about my job here? Everything I have worked for…" Anna's words faded and got caught within the lump in her throat. Mary's eyes glassed over with tears.

"You can do whatever you'd like, Anna. We can move your nanny in with you so you have help at all hours. Just let me know…."

"No," Anna said, as though a thought had just hit her. "You are right. We should move to Downton. When I die…."

"Anna, you aren't going to die. We will find better doctors, more things to try. I refuse to accept you'll be gone in the next five years, but I do think you should be closer by."

Anna smiled slightly. Mary was not one to accept defeat easily.

"Okay, _if_ I die, it will be an easier transition for Bennett if he already knows Downton as his home."

"And it will be good to have you back. No more of this back and forth to London business. I'll get to see my godson every day," Mary stated with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Bennett will love that," Anna said sincerely. Her eyes glanced around and she thought of her flat. It had been their home for only two years, but their home nonetheless. Suddenly, her mind thought of John. If she moved back home, she would no longer be able to hide from him. They would eventually see one another. He worked with Mary's father. It would be hard to avoid him.

As though Mary could read her thoughts, she sighed heavily and said, "You should just call him. Tell him…well, everything. He misses you, Anna."

"No," Anna said, resolutely. "I can't. It's been too long. He'll…" Tears began to fall down her cheeks again. She quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand.

"I think he still loves you, Anna. He hasn't moved on. I don't think…"

"I can't Mary, especially not now. I just want to live a normal life with as long as I get left. My focus should be on Bennett. John deserves more than a woman with a bad heart."

"Anna, he…"

"I said no, Mary."

"Alright," Mary answered, dropping it. "I will head back to Downton and begin getting everything ready for your move tomorrow. You should be able to manage until then with your nanny to help."

Anna nodded. "I am looking forward to coming back home."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

"You should start feeling more like yourself soon," Dr. Clarkson said. "The test results we have gotten back so far show everything looks about the same as your last appointment. It's good news."

Anna could hear John sigh contently next to her. She couldn't be happy, though. She might be the same now, but her heart would never heal completely.

"Thank you, doctor," Anna said with a small smile. The doctor nodded and walked out of the room. John's hand grabbed for Anna's and he held it tightly. Meeting his eyes, Anna saw hope and excitement within them. Her eyes immediately swelled with tears.

"Anna," his face quickly fell. He reached his hand up to cup the side of her face. "Darling it's good news. You are going to be okay."

"Not okay, John. The same. I am the same," she said, her voice quivering. "Do you know what my prognosis is?" John's jaw tightened.

"About five years," he choked out. "Mary told me."

"I shouldn't have come back into your life, John. I…I shouldn't have done this to you."

"No, Anna, don't say that," he stated strongly. "I would rather have you for a day than none at all."

"You say that now, but John there are so many things I won't be able to give you. Over time, I'll grow weaker. I won't be able to give you a life without worry, or…or children, or we won't be able to travel. I..I can't take your life from you," Anna cried. She turned her eyes away from John and buried her face into her hands.

Gingerly to make sure he didn't mess with any of the wires or cords around Anna were not disturbed, John climbed into the hospital bed with her. He slowly pulled her hands away from her face and Anna glanced up at him.

"You aren't taking my life away from me, Anna. I want to be with you for however long we have. Medicine changes every day. Who knows, in a few years they could have a cure," John said, giving her a kind smile.

"You sound like Mary," Anna chuckled slightly. But her face suddenly fell and her vulnerability took over. "I…I'm scared, John." It was the first time she fully admitted to how she was feeling. Her lower lip trembled and John pulled her into his strong arms.

Allowing her to cry into his chest, John didn't dare speak aloud that he was scared too. He needed to be strong for Anna right now. He had already missed five years with her and he did not plan on missing the time that he had left with her. John was determined to make them as wonderful as he could for her. Pressing a kiss to the top of her head, he closed his eyes and breathed in her scent.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

A nurse walked into the room, waking John and Anna up. John untangled himself from Anna and slowly got out of the bed so that the nurse could take her vitals. John stepped over to the corner and checked his phone. A smile graced his lips when he saw Mary had texted him photos of Bennett to show Anna.

Knowing she was going to be in the hospital for a few days, Anna wanted Mary with Bennett at home. She didn't want him to be with just Baxter. Even though she trusted Baxter completely, she knew that Bennett needed to be with his family.

John looked through the several pictures and then responded to Mary's question about how things were going. He let her know that Anna should be coming home tomorrow. Dots showing Mary was typing came up on the screen.

"Everything looks good, Ms. Smith. Would you like me to bring you a prenatal vitamin to take with your other medicine later?"

Anna's eyebrows furrowed. "Why would I need those?"

"In your file, it says you are pregnant." At these words, John looked up. Looking at Anna, he saw she looked just as confused as he was.

"No, that can't be right. It must be a mistake."

The nurse appeared jumbled and twisted her lips. "I…I'll go check over the paperwork again. Perhaps I read the wrong file." She disappeared quickly through the door.

"That was weird," John stated. Anna looked pale, but gave him a tight smile.

"She must have read the wrong file. We've been very careful. I…I can't be pregnant." John nodded. Yes, that must be it. He couldn't even imagine what a pregnancy would do to Anna's heart.

"Mary sent pictures of Bennett," John said, changing the subject. At that, Anna's eyes lit up. She reached her arms out to ask for John's phone. He happily obliged by handing it over. Anna's face brightened, as she looked through the pictures.

"It looks like he is having fun," Anna mused. "And eating a lot of ice cream," she added.

"That's what Aunts are for, aren't they?" John said with a wink.

"I guess," she said with a giggle. "As long as he's happy."

John took a seat next to Anna and took her hand into his. He couldn't wait until she could go home. He wanted to hold her properly within his arms again.

A knock came on the door before Dr. Clarkson poked his head through the door. Both Anna and John looked up.

"Is everything okay?" Anna asked. She hadn't expected to see him again until tomorrow before she was discharged.

"Well," Dr. Clarkson said, shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "I am sorry that you were informed the way that you were. There was a mix up with the paperwork and it was just settled."

"It's fine. Mistakes happen. The nurse, I'm assuming, was mistaken."

"Oh, no. She was not." Anna's face blanched. "Ms. Smith, you are pregnant."

_To be continued..._

_Please let me know what you think and if you would like more! Thank you, as always! _


	12. I've Got Tears

_Thank you all, as always! Enjoy! _

**I've Got Tears (That are Scared of the Facts) **

_Now_

"Pregnant?" Anna's lips parted and her head shook in short jerking moments. "No, there must be a mistake. I…I can't be."

"Ms. Smith, there is no mistake. Your blood tests show you are pregnant. We can attempt an ultrasound to see just how far along you appear to be?" At this suggestion, Anna shook her head.

"No," she answered. "Not right now." Swallowing hard, her eyes fell down to her hands. She felt a few tears threatening to escape her eyelids, but blinked hard to push them back.

"What…what does this mean for Anna, doctor?" John asked, as he stood in the far corner. Anna's eyes glanced up to John's and her heart fell into her chest. There was hope and despair staring back at her. All those years and all the times the two of them would have loved to hear they were having a baby together and now it was under these circumstances. She felt a stray tear that had escaped falling down her cheek. Her hand immediately came up and wiped it away.

"A pregnancy for a woman with Anna's condition can be dire. She has a 5% chance of death-so a 1 in 20 chance. "

"Oh my god," John's voice was tight. Anna bit down on her lower lip and began to anxiously ring her hands together in her lap.

"What…" her voice caught in her throat, before she swallowed hard and tried again. "What would the course of treatment be for me while I am pregnant?"

"You would need to see a specialist for a high risk pregnancy. There would be a lot of risks and you would have to be monitored closely."

"So, it can be done?" Anna questioned.

"Yes, it can."

"But what would you recommend, doctor?" John asked, as he brought himself closer to Anna.

Dr. Clarkson sighed heavily and gave Anna a sympathetic glance. "I would recommend terminating the pregnancy."

Anna could feel a harsh sob growing at the bottom of her throat. It was taking every ounce of will she had in her small frame to hold it in. The force of it was causing her body to shake slightly and a few small tears began to escape her eyelids.

"I do suggest you take a few days before making any decisions. Go home, sleep on it, before you are sure of anything."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mummy!" Bennett ran to Anna so quickly, that when he wrapped his arms around her legs Anna stumbled backwards some.

"Be careful, Bennett," John calmly told the small boy.

"He's fine," Anna replied tersely. Bending down, she covered her arms tightly around Bennett's body and placed several kisses on the top of his head. "I missed you," she whispered into his hair.

"I missed you, too, Mummy."

Anna continued to hold Bennett close to her chest. A few tears formed within her eyes. She had missed him dearly. And now, with the new information about being pregnant, she felt even more emotional.

"Mummy," Bennett protested, pushing her away. Anna slowly let go of him and gave him a smile when she met his eyes.

"Want to go outside and play?" Anna offered, the boy's eyes lit up.

"Anna, are you sure that's a good idea?" Mary's voice interjected. Anna stood and took a hold of the small boy's hand. She opened her mouth to say something, but then clamped it shut. Her eyes glanced between Mary's and John's, both were watching her as though a walk outside would break her. Ignoring their glances, she walked with Bennett to the back door and left them standing alone together.

"Well, okay," Mary said with a bewildered sigh. She turned her gaze to John and narrowed her eyes. "What was that all about?"

John ran his hand over his face and shook his head briefly. "I…I think we should sit," he told her. Mary twisted her lips, but obliged.

The two of them walked over to the large sitting area by the windows so they could watch Anna and Bennett outside. Bennett was on the swings and Anna was pushing him. Giggles could be heard through the window pane.

"She…she doesn't look sick," John said, his eyes on the love of his life. It was amazing, he thought, of how quickly the two of them had reconnected. But she had always been the one. He had known it since the first time he had laid his eyes on her.

"No, she doesn't," Mary agreed. "But she's hidden a lot of things from you: the naps she needs to make it through the day, the medicines, all of it."

John couldn't take his eyes off of Anna. She was lifting Bennett off the swing and placing him onto the ground. The boy ran away giggling and climbed up the ladder to go down the slide.

"I feel like you both are keeping something from me," Mary mused, her eyes trained on John's for any sign of what it could be. With a quick twist of the lips, John moved his attention to Mary. For a brief second, he wondered if he would be breaking some trust or bond with Anna if he spoke their truth aloud. However, he remembered Mary had been through it all. She still knew more secrets than he had.

"Anna's pregnant." An audible gasp left Mary's lips and she covered them with her hand. For a few moments, silence stayed between them. John could see that Mary was contemplating her thoughts on the matter and what she wanted to say about it all.

When Mary finally spoke, it wasn't what John expected her to say, "She won't terminate the pregnancy. Doesn't matter what you say or think, she won't do it. I do wish the two of you had been more careful."

"We were careful," John breathed angrily. "I didn't even know that she was sick. Had I known…" his words faded, as his face flushed with anger.

"Well, it won't change anything now," Mary replied evenly. John's breaths slowly became even again and he glanced back out to look at Anna. She was now sitting on a chair beside the playset watching as Bennett went up the ladder and down the slide over and over again.

"No," John agreed, "It won't."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2017_

Bennett was being extra challenging tonight, Anna thought, as she awoke with him for the third time that evening. She now had the two year old curled up into a ball on her chest, as she rocked him back and forth on the rocking chair in his bedroom. Out of the boy's lips came soft snores and she sighed in relief. She needed sleep tonight. Tomorrow was going to be her big interview for the job she had wanted for so long.

Bringing her hand up to push stray hairs off Bennett's forehead, her hand stilled and lips twitched as she thought about the auburn hair upon his head. It was hair that she didn't recognize. Hair he likely got from his father. There had been no auburn hair from any of her family that she could remember. But then his lip pouted out and she smiled. They were her lips. She rocked him once more and kissed the top of his head. In the end it didn't really matter where his hair came from. His hair was part of what made him Bennett and she loved every single ounce of him. She had no regrets about keeping him. He meant everything to her.

She had gotten him at a great price, but it was a price she would be willing to pay over and over again if it meant she got him in return. Bennett would never be a burden to her, a shadow that had changed her life. No, he was her life. The love she had for the boy cradled in her arms was so incredibly great that she couldn't even describe it. He was her everything.

Gently, she stood up from the rocking chair and placed Bennett into his bed. His hair fell over his eyes and she reached down to push it over.

"I love you so much," she whispered into the dark room. Her eyes lingered on his sleeping frame for several moments, before finally heading back to her own bed.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now _

After tucking Bennett into bed, Anna walked back into her own to find John sitting on the edge of the bed looking pensive. She bit into the side of her lip, but pretended like everything was normal. The news of the baby just sat there in the space between them and Anna wanted to ignore it. She couldn't talk about it, not yet. But she knew John wanted to. Ever since learning about the baby yesterday, she had been able to avoid the discussion. At home that would be more difficult.

"I was thinking," Anna started, as she wanted to change the topic before it could be brought up. "Maybe you could move in here for a bit. No more sneaking out of the window. You could be a proper boyfriend who eats breakfast with us in the morning."

At this, John looked up and smiled.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Bennett really likes having you around. A father figure would be good for him," her face blushed and she stepped back anxiously. The words had just rolled off her tongue before she could think about what they implied. Being a father to Bennett was John's choice not hers and it wouldn't be fair to force that role on him.

"I would love that," John said, easing all of Anna's fears. He reached out to grab her hand and pull her closer to him. "He's a great kid. I've grown really fond of him."

"Truly?" Anna asked, stepping closer and to where her legs straddled John's. John's hand rose up and rested on her hip.

"Truly, Anna. I…I want to be in both of your lives. He's a part of you, Anna, so how couldn't I love him?" John's words made Anna's eyes fill with happy tears. Because she truly could never be with anyone who didn't love Bennett, too. Bennett would always come first. She had known that from the moment she found out she was pregnant with him. The love in that moment had been so incredibly strong.

"Oh John," Anna cried, pushing herself even closer to him so that their foreheads touched. John's free hand cupped her cheek and he bent her head so that their lips would touch. Anna reached down and began to pull her shirt up over her head. However, John's hands stilled her movements.

"Can you? Shouldn't you be resting?"

"I've rested in the hospital for days. I…I want to be with you now, John." She gently pushed his hands off of hers and finished removing her shirt. John's eyes instantly fell on the bump on her skin over her breast. He swallowed hard. His fingers ran up the side of her chest and rested just above the place where her pacemaker was located.

"I don't want to hurt you," he told her.

"You won't," she promised, itching for a kiss again. Her fingers skirted over his back, before grabbing the edges of his shirt and pulling it over his head.

"We're going to take it slow, and if you feel even a little bit too tired, you have to let me know," he said, his hand coming up to rest on her breast. Anna moaned, but nodded her head.

"Okay, Mr. Bates."

The two of them came together as one and it was more real and raw than it ever had been before. The weight of the truth laid upon them: her sickness and the baby within her belly. When they curled together afterwards, Anna smiled. She pressed her head back against him and happily sighed as he kissed the crook of her neck. John's hand ran down the length of her arm and rested above her hand on her stomach. But then suddenly, he jerked his hand up, as though it had been burned.

"John?" Anna questioned, worriedly, turning to face him.

"We….Anna, we need to talk about your pregnancy," he said, his jaw twitching. Anna flinched at his words. He didn't say baby; he didn't even label it theirs.

"I….." Anna couldn't seem to form a coherent response. She pulled back and sat up, covering her bare chest with the blanket. She swung her legs so that they were over the edge of the bed and her back was to him. She felt as John sat up and slowly came up behind her. His hand rested on her shoulder and he pressed a kiss in the spot between her shoulder blades.

"You heard the doctor, Anna. This isn't safe for you. You have to terminate. There is no other option." Anna's body ran cold against his touch, as her body stiffened. She stood and swallowed hard, refusing to look at him.

"No," her voice resolute. "I won't do it."

"Anna," he reached out for her. "I…I don't want this either, but a pregnancy in your condition…."

"I said, I won't do it, John," she said swerving back around on her heels. "It's our baby. Our _baby_."

"It's not a baby, not yet. It's…."

"No, maybe not to you, but it is to me," Anna's face was flushed with a deep anger.

"You've always said it was a woman's right to choose…"

"And I am a woman and I have chosen. I won't terminate," her voice was full of determination. John crossly sighed in return.

"You're being stubborn," John's voice rose.

"Shh," Anna said. "Lower your voice. Bennett will hear."

"And what about Bennett?" John said, cutting deep. "You'll leave him motherless?"

Anna stepped back as though she was slapped. Her hands curled into tight fist at her sides and she inhaled sharply, "Don't you dare! Don't you dare say I'm not thinking of my son! All I ever do is think of Bennett."

"But are you now? Or are you being selfish?"

The slap came before Anna had even realized she had done it. John's hand came up to his cheek and Anna stepped back, her face bright red.

Bringing her arms tightly around her chest, Anna said, "I think you should go." John could only nod. Anna watched as John pulled his clothes back on over his tense body. He glanced up at her briefly, before walking furiously out of the door.

_To be continued..._

**_I know that's a rough way to end it, but have faith in me, please. :) Hopefully, I will be able to update within a few days. As always, please let me know what you think! _**


	13. I'm Always All For You

_Thank you guys! Enjoy! _

**You Know that I'm Always All for You**

_Now_

Feeling like a lion ready to pounce, John stormed out of the front door. His hand jerked up to his cheek. It still stung. He still couldn't believe that she had hit him. John's mind went back years and years ago to when he dated a vile one named Vera. She had always hissed and yelled. This confrontation with Anna reminded him of those dark days of screaming matches that always ended with him storming away. Deep down he knew this wasn't the same thing, but his anger was too prominent to focus on the differences.

"I told you she wouldn't abort the baby," Mary's voice rung in the air. John swirled around to find Mary standing tall at the side of the house. John snarled. He hated the haughty look upon her face.

"This is none of your business, Mary," he stated, as heavy breaths left his lips. Mary took a few steps forward and pierced her lips together thoughtfully.

"That's where you are wrong. Anna is my friend-my family, really. I have been there the past five years for her and for Bennett. It is my business."

"Yes and we see how well that worked out," John's voice tight. "You didn't warn me about this, any of it." His hand pointed toward the house in frustration. "Had I known she was sick we would have never gotten into this mess in the first place. You should have told me."

"It was not my secret to tell," Mary's voice remained calm. "And you know now."

"Good that does," John said between gritted teeth. "You could have kept all of this from happening. You should have told me about Bennett, about the hotel room, about everything. I could have been there for her earlier. I could have…" his voice faded, but his face remained flushed.

"I couldn't. Perhaps, you could have tried harder to contact her. You don't get to blame me where you possibly failed," Mary bit back, her calm façade fading.

John just shook his head. His fists tightened at his sides, but he decided the verbal fight with Mary wasn't worth it. Going to his car, John sped off to his house.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna felt numb. Her fight with John was not unexpected; she had expected he would feel differently about the pregnancy than she did. He could only see her and not the sweet baby that grew within her. Biting back tears, her hand came to rest above her flat abdomen. There were no physical signs of a baby, yet, but she knew there would be soon.

A loud sigh left her lips and she felt a tear slip down her cheek. This was the first time they had ever fought like this. In the past they had disagreements, but never to this magnitude. She knew his anger came from a fear of losing her. He couldn't understand, however, the way she would die if she ended the pregnancy. Her love for the baby was already strong. She hadn't wanted an ultrasound at the doctor's office, because she was afraid to grow attached. But it didn't matter. She already was, just as she had been when she saw the two lines for her pregnancy with Bennett. It was a feeling she couldn't describe. It was something John couldn't understand, not yet. But Anna knew he would the moment he held their child that he would know that love.

Stepping out of her room, Anna gently opened Bennett's door. She walked into the room and slowly crawled into the bed with him. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched his chest rise and fall with each breath he took. She reached over her hand and lightly touched his cheek. The baby pudge was fading away and he was starting to look more and more like a little boy and less and less like a baby.

As he often did in his sleep, Bennett's lower lip poked out into a small pout. Anna ran her finger right below it, as though she was trying to memorize it. Then her hand came back to rest on her belly. Closing her eyes, she tried not to think of possibly losing John right now, but she couldn't. Soft sobs began to leave her lips and she quickly covered her mouth with the palm of her hand, not to wake her son. She knew John disagreed with her and she knew she reacted harshly, but this was not something she would budge on. Tears continued to stream down her cheeks until well after she fell asleep.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mummy?" Bennett's confused voice woke Anna from her slumber. She turned onto her back. It was then that she felt a heaviness on her chest. Opening her eyes, she found Bennett leaning on her and peering at her pensively. "You're in my bed," he said matter-of-factly.

"I am," Anna replied, sitting up and causing Bennett to get off of her chest.

"Why?"

"I just missed you," she answered with a smile. Her hand came up and tickled his stomach.

"Mummy! Mummy!" Bennett cried between giggles. "Stop, Mummy!" Anna paused, before starting up again. The giggles from Bennett's lips were contagious and soon Anna was laughing along with him. "Mummy! That's enough!" Anna nodded, before pulling Bennett into her lap. She rocked gently and breathed in his scent. She hoped he would remember these moments with her.

"Can we eat?" Bennett questioned.

"Of course, I'll make you something."

"Pancakes?" Anna's lips curled into a small smile.

"Whatever you want."

Bennett jumped out of her lap and began running to the kitchen. Anna shook her head and chuckled. He loved pancakes. She climbed out of his bed and walked into the kitchen behind him. Mary sat at the island sipping on coffee.

"Good morning," Mary said, between sips.

"Good morning, where's Baxter?" Anna questioned, realizing she hadn't seen the nanny since she arrived back the day before.

"I gave her the week off," Mary explained. "She'll be back on Monday."

"Oh," Anna replied. "I'm going to make pancakes for Bennett, would you like any?" Mary shook her head, before setting down her cup of coffee and twisted her lips thoughtfully.

"John told me," she finally said a few moments later, "about the baby." Anna's back straightened and she suddenly felt like a teenager caught within a lie.

"Bennett, go watch some cartoons and I'll bring you your pancakes when they are ready."

"I can eat in front of the television?" Bennett's eyes lit up at the realization.

"Just today," Anna told him. The little boy didn't need to be told twice and he ran into the other room. Once she heard the television turn on, Anna sighed.

Anna stood tall ready to defend her choices, but before she could stop herself a sob escaped her lips. All resolve was lost. Tears steadily came down her cheeks and she felt completely lost.

"I….I didn't….We…we were careful," Anna cried. Before Anna knew it, Mary had enveloped her into a hug. In the back of her mind, Anna thought about how Mary's hugs had become less rigid over the years.

"I know you were," Mary murmured, as she allowed Anna to cry into the nook of her shoulder.

"I won't terminate," Anna's determined voice stated. She slowly pulled away from Mary and wiped the tears away from her cheeks. Glancing back at her was Mary's kind face.

"I know."

"John is so angry with me. He…"

"He's not mad at you Anna; he's upset about the situation because he loves you," Mary said. Anna bit down on her lower lip, but nodded. She knew deep down that Mary was right. "That was a lot of information for him to learn in a short amount of time. Give him a little while and I am sure he'll come around."

"And if he doesn't?"

"He will."

Anna sighed. She wasn't sure this was something John would drop, because she surely wouldn't. She was not going to end the pregnancy, no matter what he said. And she felt as though he wasn't going to change his mind anytime soon, either.

Remembering that she had promised Bennett pancakes, Anna turned and began preparing them for him. As she poured the batter into the pan, Anna remembered something that she had wanted to bring up to Mary.

"I'm sorry I shortened your date with Henry the other night," Anna said slyly, peeking up to see Mary's reaction. A small blush covered Mary's cheeks, but she just pierced her lips into a thin line and narrowed her eyes.

"What date? I had a business meeting the night you ended up in the hospital."

"No you didn't," Anna stated. "It was a date with Henry." A small smile crept up her lips.

Mary sighed. "How did you know?"

"The lipstick you were wearing. That wasn't your business meeting lipstick," Anna chuckled lightly. "I'm glad you two are dating again," she sincerely added. "I want you to be happy." Mary and Henry had dated for a while, but when Anna got sick Mary told her the two broke up. Anna always worried, despite what Mary said, that she had done it for her.

"How did you know it was Henry?"

Anna's lips twisted, before she shrugged her shoulders, "I didn't. I just guessed." There were words lingering in the air that Anna wanted to ask, but they were not her business. Not yet, anyway.

Mary seemed to know what Anna wanted to say, however, and stated, "He knows about your sickness and about Bennett. I wouldn't date anyone who didn't know you two were part of the deal."

"I hate that I am interrupting your life," Anna said, her chin slightly trembling.

"You're not," Mary stated resolutely. "You are my friend and you would do the same for me." At these words, Anna's chin calmed and she nodded.

"I would."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2012_

The sky was full of magnificent colors, as the sun continued it decent for the day. John and Anna rode their bikes to the edge of the lake, before getting off and sitting on the grass for an evening picnic. It was something they enjoyed doing now that the weather was growing warmer.

Climbing into John's arms, Anna happily sighed.

"Let's do this for the rest of our lives," Anna said, resting her head against his broad chest.

"I would like that," John agreed. Their relationship was fairly new, but the two had grown together quickly. It was as if they already knew they were destined to be together.

The two of them spotted a family across the lake cleaning up their picnic and ready to go home. They had two children. One was an older boy who was helping his younger sister adjust her helmet on her head.

"Do you think that'll be us one day?" Anna questioned.

"Perhaps, how many children would you like to have?" John's hand began to run up the side of Anna's arm, making her shiver.

"I don't know. Two, maybe three? Not now, of course, I am still trying to finish up this cooking course and hopefully in the future I'll get that internship…."

"You will get the internship," John said strongly.

"Yes, I just might." Anna giggled and turned to face him. "Will you always love me?"

"Absolutely."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

John sat on his plush chair in front of the television nursing his second coffee of the morning. Last night when he had gotten home, he had drank an entire bottle of wine. Now his head was paying for it. He prayed the Motrin he had taken would ease the pounding within his head quickly.

Now within the light of day, he felt extremely foolish in the way he had behaved the night before while speaking to Anna. He shouldn't have escalated things that way. He should have remained calm with his explanation or dropped it all together for another day. But calling Anna selfish and implying she didn't love her son enough were very low blows, no wonder she smacked him in the face.

A sigh left John's lips and he ran his hand over his face. He knew his anger the previous night came from a deep fear of losing Anna. He had just gotten her back and within less than 48 hours he found out she was very ill and pregnant. It was a lot to handle, but that didn't excuse his behavior. He was a grown man; he should have done better.

_ Knock. Knock. _

Hearing knocks at the door, John's heart skipped a beat. Hoping it was Anna, he quickly got up and out of his chair. He glanced over his reflection in the mirror and sighed. His eyes were bloodshot and his facial hair had seemed to have grown overnight.

_Knock. Knock._

"John, it's Mary."

Upon hearing Mary's voice, he groaned. He _really_ didn't want to deal with her today. But he walked to the door anyway and opened the door. Unlike the last time she had come over, Mary remained outside the door.

"I…I came to apologize for what I said last night," Mary said, shocking John. He expected her to come in and berate him for his behavior with Anna the previous night. "You didn't fail Anna. I know you tried to contact her plenty when she seemed to disappear on you. That wasn't fair of me to say."

John's lips twisted, but he stepped to the side and motioned for Mary to come inside.

"Would you like some coffee?" John asked, leading Mary to the kitchen.

"No," Mary responded.

"You weren't to blame either," John stated with a sigh. "I was heated and when you interrupted my storming off I…"

"I know," Mary interrupted.

The two stood quietly then. There was an understanding between the two of them. They both loved Anna and it's what connected them.

"You should go to her," Mary suggested.

"Yes," John agreed. He sighed again and ran his hand through his greasy hair.

"She's not going to change her mind," Mary added. "She now knows where you stand and you've said your piece. All you can do now is support her."

"But this could take her from us sooner," John's jaw tightened.

"It can," Mary agreed, "And it's terrifying. But she'll chose the baby over you. She's done it before when she found out she was pregnant with Bennett. She loved you so much, but her love for Bennett outweighed that. So you have a choice, enjoy your time with her now or don't."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The sun was beginning to set. Anna swung on the swing outside of Bennett's door. She watched as he played with his Solar System set next to the window. It made her smile. She hoped he always kept his love for space.

A car pulling up grabbed her attention. When she saw it was John's car, she stood and wrapped her arms tightly around her chest. Part of her was relieved to see him and the other part was nervous of what this meeting would bring.

Getting out of the car, John rushed to Anna. Upon seeing his eagerness to be near her, Anna sighed in relief. She stepped forward and when he was near enough, she wrapped her arms around his strong frame. John's arms came up around her too and he held her close, before placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"I'm sorry," they both said in unison. Anna pulled back slightly and tears had already begun to fall down her cheeks. John reached up his hand and placed it on her cheek, wiping the stray tears with his thumb.

"I…I shouldn't have hit you," Anna cried. John shook his head.

"Shh, I shouldn't have said what I said," he replied. "I'm sorry for getting so angry. I could have handled myself better."

"I know it's only because you love me," Anna said, placing her head back onto his chest. She could feel his heart beating and she found it comforting.

"I love you so very much, Anna," he murmured into her hair. Anna contently sighed, before her lips began to twist.

"I won't end the pregnancy," Anna muttered into his chest. "I know you want me to, but I can't do it."

"I know," he replied, as his hand began to rub her back. "I won't ask you to again." Relief flooded through Anna's frame at his words. She didn't want to fight about their baby anymore and she was grateful he was willing to drop it.

"Thank you," Anna said, as she closed her eyes and enjoyed this moment of the two of them back in one another's arms. A moment later, she pulled back and met John's eyes. "I'm scared too, you know. I…I don't want to leave any of you behind. I…I want…"

"Shh," John cupped her face into his hands. "I know, my darling." Anna inhaled deeply, feeling safe within his hands.

"Will you come inside and eat dinner with us? Bennett has been asking about you all day."

"Of course."

_To be continued..._

_**The Song "What if" by Safety Suit was my song for this chapter. I highly recommend listening to it. I felt it was perfect for this particular situation, especially the chorus. **_

_**As always, thank you for reading. Please drop a review to let me know what you think. This story still has a while to go. Thank you! **_


	14. Innocence is Yours

_This chapter is a little bit shorter, but I think you'll still like it. Enjoy! _

**What if I Told You that Innocence is Yours**

_Now_

John was awoken in the middle of the night by the click of Anna's bedroom door. Slowly opening his eyes, he found Bennett standing in front of him peering at him. Rubbing his eyes, John sat himself up slightly. He glanced at the clock beside the bed. It was 2 am.

"You're in Mummy's bed," Bennett stated, his lips falling into a straight line. John suddenly felt awkward. It was the first time for Bennett to see anyone else in the bed with his mother and he was only in his boxer shorts.

"I am," he finally responded. "What's the matter?"

"I'm thirsty," the small boy replied. "Can I have some milk?" At that John chuckled and nodded.

"Yes. Go back to your bed and I'll bring you some milk," John told him. Bennett cocked his head to the side, as if he was in deep thought, before turning on his heels and running back toward his room.

After throwing on his sweatpants and a shirt, John went into the kitchen to grab Bennett some milk. A large yawn escaped his lips and he wondered how often Bennet woke up in the middle of the night waking Anna. In all the weeks he had stayed with her, Bennett hadn't woken them yet. So perhaps it wasn't that often.

Walking back into Bennett's room, he handed the small boy his milk. The boy gratefully took it and began to drink it. John flipped on the bedside table lamp and glanced at the bookshelf.

"Would you like me to read you a book?" John offered. Bennett's head nodded and he placed the cup of milk on the table beside the bed, before inching back under his covers. John found a book about the ABC's of Space. He brought the chair from the corner of the room next to the bed.

"A is for astronomy," he began.

"I am going to be an astronomer one day," Bennett murmured, as his eyelids grew heavy.

"I'm sure you will. B is for binary star," John continued to read until he got to the final letter of the alphabet. "And Z is for…." His words faded when he heard the small snores leaving Bennett's lips. A smile grew on the corners of John's mouth. He set the book back on the bookshelf, before bending down and pulling the covers snug around Bennett's frame.

"Sleep tight."

When he entered Anna's bedroom again, he found she had spread herself across the entire bed. John shook his head and quietly laughed. She had always been a bed hog. He quietly walked across the bedroom to step into the bathroom. Being woken up in the middle of the night had given him a small headache. He opened up the medicine cabinet in hopes of finding some headache medicine to take before heading back to bed.

Seeing inside the medicine cabinet made his heart drop. There in front of him stood lines and lines of medicine. All of them were prescribed to Anna May Smith. Before he knew it, tears had filled his eyes. While he had seen Anna take medicine daily, he hadn't seen the vast amount that kept her quality of life up.

Suddenly it all felt so real. He sat down on the side of the bathtub, before harsh tears began to escape his eyes.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Three Weeks Later _

The last several weeks had gone by rather quickly. John had practically moved into the house with Anna and Mary. He had thought it would be weird living with Mary and a Nanny, as well, but it wasn't. Mary had her own area of the house and she stayed busy with her own work at Downton. The Nanny, Baxter, was a great help with Bennett. John was glad she was there during the days to help Anna when she got too tired and needed to rest. It was also nice for nights where they wanted to go out for dinner alone.

Today, however, was Baxter's day off. Anna was sleeping. Being around Anna more often made her physical symptoms from her illness stand out more than when he had just seen her at certain times of the day. He noticed just how tired she was all the time. Because of this, he had changed his day off to when Baxter's was so that he could help Anna on those days.

Now John was playing with Bennett outside on the large playset. The boy had a ton of energy. The little boy reached his hands out for the monkey bars. Once he reached the first one, he swung until his arms grew tired and then jumped down.

"Why don't you go across?" John asked.

As the little boy climbed back up the side of the set, he squished up his nose and shook his head. "I can't. Will you help me?"

"Absolutely," John held the boy's waist, supporting his weight, as he went from bar to bar.

"Again!" John chuckled.

"Okay, one more time and then let's go inside for ice cream." They had been outside for over an hour and he was growing tired. John hoped the promise of ice cream would be enough to encourage the boy to go inside.

"Okay!"

After Bennett had done the monkey bars a second time, he jumped off the playset and happily took a hold of John's hand. Glancing up at John, the little boy seemed to want to ask something.

"Is something wrong?" John asked him. The small boy's head shook.

"No. Did you know my dad?" The question seemed to come from nowhere and it made John pause his steps.

"I did not," John answered, as he looked down to the boy. His jaw tightened slightly and he thought about how he would love to find that man. But he shook away his violent thoughts and gave Bennett a small smile. "Why?"

"Mummy said he wasn't a nice man, but that he gave her me. She said I was the best gift ever," Bennett replied. John began to walk again, leading the boy back to the house. Apparently the boy knew something about his father, well about as much as Anna, herself, knew.

"You are a good gift," John finally responded a moment later.

"Do…do you think I can get a new dad?" The little boy pondered aloud. "A nicer one?" Once again, John paused. This time he bent down to Bennett's level so he could meet his eyes.

"I think you could," John said.

"You're nice to Mummy. You make her smile," Bennett smiled as he spoke. "Plus you're fun. Could you be my dad?" John felt his heart flutter deep within his chest. He had to push back every urge to grab the small boy and hold him tight. Bennett had no idea how much those words meant to him. Falling in love with Anna's son had been easy, but he had never wanted to step into a role without Anna and Bennett's permission.

"I…I would love that, Bennett," John replied, his lip trembling slightly. "Is that what you want?" Bennett responded by wrapping his arms around John's neck. John circled his arms around Bennett's small frame and stood, holding the boy against him.

Bennett pulled back slightly and giggled, as John walked them both into the house. There they found Anna in the kitchen making a sandwich for herself. When she saw them both enter, she smiled.

"Mummy! Mummy! Guess what?" Anna walked over toward them and rubbed her hand on Bennett's back.

"What?"

"John said he would be my dad!" Anna's eyes met John's,

"Really?" She asked him. John stumbled slightly on his feet worried that he had overstepped by saying he would be Bennett's dad, before she asked him too.

"Y..yes. If that's okay with you, of course," he nervously replied. A smile grew on Anna's face and she inched up onto her toes to press her lips against John's.

"It's all I've ever wanted," Anna honestly said. Her smile began to grow wider. "Oh, John!" John placed Bennett down on the floor and ruffled his hair on top of his head.

"Go sit in the living room and I'll call you when your ice cream is ready." Bennett did as he was told. As soon as he was out of earshot, Anna wrapped her arms tightly around John's frame.

"Are you sure?" She asked into his chest. John's hand came up to rest on the small of her back.

"I am," he stated strongly. "I want us to be a family, all of us." Anna smiled into his chest and sighed happily.

"I would like that," she agreed. A moment later, Anna pulled back and went back to her sandwich. "Baxter should be here shortly to watch Bennett for us while we go to our appointment. You should get Bennett his ice cream before then."

John nodded and then swallowed hard. Today was their first official doctor appointment about the baby. Of all the doctors in the area, Sybil Branson was the best OBGYN for Anna's condition, so they would be seeing her. She was a popular doctor and today was the first appointment they had been able to make with her. Sybil promised that once they were in the system, the appointments would be easier to get.

To be completely honest, John wasn't looking forward to this appointment. As he had promised, he hadn't brought up terminating the pregnancy again. However, he still wasn't happy about it.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

They had met with the nurse and Sybil had just walked into the room. She offered them both a kind smile.

"Based on the dates you have given us, my guess is that you are around eight to nine weeks pregnant," Sybil told Anna. "We will do an ultrasound. After we check on your little one, we will discuss the medicines you are taking and what steps we need to take to keep you and Baby healthy."

Sybil instructed Anna to lie down, before telling her to lift up her shirt and pull down her pants some. She put gel on the wand and then placed it onto Anna's belly.

"Give me a moment," Sybil said, as she shifted the want around Anna's lower abdomen. John held Anna's hand. He thought about how this should have been an exciting day for them, but how it only filled him with dread. However, he hadn't expected this feeling to fill his entire frame when he heard a special sound.

"Is that…?" His voice faded as fast beats filled the room. Anna squeezed his hand, as Sybil turned the monitor toward them.

"There is your little one," Sybil said, pointing to a small blob on the screen. John leaned forward so he could see it better. The small blob moved back and forth slightly which made him laugh.

"Oh my god," he breathed. He turned and kissed Anna.

"That's our baby," Anna said, as he pulled away and gave her a bright smile. "She's wonderful," Anna added. John's brows furrowed.

"How do you know it's a girl?" Anna shrugged her shoulders.

"It's just a feeling I have."

_To be continued..._

**As always, please let me know what you think! Thank you! **


	15. Salvation Under My Breath

_I updated my last two chapters pretty close together, so make sure you didn't miss chapter 14 before starting this one. Thank you to my reviewer for the last chapter and to all who read. Enjoy! _

**Salvation under my Breath**

Leaving the doctor's appointment, John mentioned that he needed to stop by his flat to pick up a few articles of clothing and paperwork for work the next day. Anna happily obliged to his request. She hadn't been to his flat before today. Their lives had existed elsewhere. It seemed intimate walking into where he had lived without her for many years.

When they walked in, all Anna could think was how it smelled just like John. Her eyes scanned the entryway and noticed there was little to no decoration. As she followed him into the main living area, not much of that changed. However, a picture on the mantle over the fireplace did catch her eye. She walked toward it and picked it up. It was of the two of them years and years ago. Anna's lips faltered, as her fingers ran over their happy faces. She felt as John stepped behind her.

"I took this from us," Anna murmured. "We were so happy." John took the frame from her hands and glanced down at the picture.

"We were," he agreed, before placing it back on the mantle. He then took her hands into his and gave them a loving squeeze.

"You didn't take anything from us. And we're happy now, aren't we?" Anna nodded her head, but tears still began to fall down her cheeks.

"John, I…." she paused, her breath catching within her throat. "We've lost all this time and now I…."

John's hands came up to rest on her shoulders, before pulling her into his strong arms. He rested his head against hers and shook his head.

"My darling, you did what you needed to do at the time. The Anna five years ago wouldn't have been ready for this," he muttered into her hair. His hand rubbed up and down her back. Anna chuckled lightly into his chest. She pulled back slightly and met his eyes.

"That is true. I went to a lot of therapy," she told him. "Mary made sure of it."

"I'm glad she did," John stated strongly.

"Me too. I…I needed it."

"Would you like something to drink?" John offered. Anna brought her fingers up to wipe the tears from under her eyes, before nodding.

"Yes, some water please."

Anna followed John into the kitchen. Immediately, her eyes saw the row of her cookbooks. Her jaw fell open and she walked toward them.

"I…um..I," John stuttered, when he realized he had forgotten about the books. His face blushed with embarrassment.

"How many of these books do you have?" Anna questioned, as her fingers began to run over their spines.

"I don't know, ten or so." Anna glanced up at John and when she saw his face she laughed.

"It's kind of sweet," she told him, stepping closer to him. Then her head cocked to the side, "Or maybe a bit stalkerish," she teased. John straightened up and twisted his lips.

"You disappeared and it was the only evidence I had you still existed," he finally answered. Anna's face fell slightly. Seeing this, John walked up to her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Maybe a bit stalkerish," he said winking and giving her a slight smile.

Pulling a book off the shelf, Anna sighed. "I'm supposed to be working on the second one."

"And how's that going?"

"I have one recipe done," she answered honestly. "I've had a bit of writer's block."

"I could help you with that," John said, as he offered her a glass of water.

"How so?" Her eyes narrowed and a small smile crept onto her lips.

"You could test some recipes on me," he said simply. "Or," he added, stepping closer to her. "We could find other ways." His eyes darted around his small flat. Anna licked her lips.

"What ways?" Anna wrapped her arms around John's neck and brought herself up for a kiss. John lifted her up and Anna locked her legs around his waist. She pressed her lips against his, as he carried her backwards and into his bedroom.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Two Months Later _

In the past two months, John had ended his lease on his flat and moved into the house permanently. At first, John had been reluctant to move into the house. He wanted to buy the three of them their own home and not one they shared with Mary; that was owned by her. But Anna explained that the house was hers. Despite Mary's reservations, before moving Anna had insisted on buying the house for Bennett. She had been in too much of Mary's debt until then and her cookbook had made a lot of money. Not to mention all of the money she had placed into savings. Mary had sold it to her at probably at a much lower rate than it was worth, but it did belong to Anna. Mary had her own home to move into if things got serious with Henry Talbot in the future.

Of course, when Mary had the house built for her, Anna, and Bennett, she hadn't expected John to be part of the household. Anna had worried it would cause some tension. Bennett now called him daddy half of the time (still John the other half) and the plan had always been for Mary to raise Bennett after she was gone. This definitely changed things and Mary had sacrificed so much for her already.

When Anna went to talk to Mary about it all, Mary had just smiled.

_"I always knew you two would end up back together," _Mary had told her. _"That's why I built this house here so my godson would be right next door." _

_ "You're not mad?" _

_ "Of course not, Anna." _

Anna often thought that she had won the lottery in friendships with Mary.

Stepping into the living room, she saw Mary and Bennett watching _Frozen. _Anna giggled. She was sure Mary hated this movie. She rubbed her hands over the swell of her now seventeen week belly.

"I'm surprised you're watching this," Anna stated, as she took a seat next to them on the couch. Bennett crawled over to her and climbed into her lap.

"You know I can't tell him no," Mary simply answered.

"Auntie Mary said she'll take me to see the new movie. Will you come too?" Bennett questioned. "And Daddy?" Anna smiled, brushing his wild hair off of his face.

"Yes," she promised him.

"Are you feeling alright?" Mary questioned Anna, her lips piercing. "You look pale."

Anna shook her head. "I'm alright. Just a bit tired. Growing a baby is a lot of work," she tickled Bennett's belly. The boy giggled.

"Did I grow in your belly too?" Anna nodded.

"You did," Anna assured him. The little boy placed his head against her shoulder, before returning his attention to the screen. Mary's eyes were still on Anna.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," Anna told her with a forced smile. Mary's eyes narrowed slightly, before she sighed and turned her attention back to the movie. Anna's smile faded when she knew she was no longer being watched. Her hand came up to rest on Bennett's arm and she gently rubbed her thumb around in small circles.

In all honestly, she wasn't fine. She was tired all the time and breathing was becoming harder and harder. She had known these things would happen, but it did worry her some. Her plan was to mention it to Sybil at her next appointment in two weeks. She didn't want to alarm Mary or John before she knew what was going on.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Rolling her neck around to relieve tension, Mary sighed. The new extension was causing all sorts of stress between her, Tom, and her father. She and Tom had more modern ideas, while her father wanted to do something more traditional. Adjusting her thoughts back to her screen, she attempted to find a way to compromise for the three of them. She didn't like compromising. Usually, she could convince her father to do things her way.

_Knock. Knock. _

"Come in," Mary said, rather overwhelmed. Steeling herself for her father to barge in, she was surprised when John stepped in through the doorway. "Bates," she stated, surprised.

"Sorry to interrupt your day," John replied.

"My father hasn't sent you to plead his case, has he?"

"No," John answered.

"Good," Mary abruptly said. "Do sit down." John did as he was instructed. Taking a seat, he pulled a small box out of his pocket.

"I came to ask you for Anna's hand," he said, handing the small box over to Mary. Mary took the small box from John's hand and opened it to find a beautiful, but modest ring.

"It's beautiful," Mary told him. Her eyes then glanced up to meet his. "But I'm not sure why you're asking me if you can marry Anna."

"Well, tradition says I should ask her father. Her parents died many years ago. You and Bennett are the only family she has left. If I asked Bennett, I'm afraid he would give me away before I could surprise her." At that, Mary chuckled.

"You aren't wrong about that," Mary agreed. "And I'm honored you would think me important enough to ask," she added.

"You are very important to Anna and Bennett," John said strongly. "And if anything happens to Anna, I promise that I'll make sure you and Bennett still have the same strong relationship. I will never take him away from you."

Tears immediately began to fill behind Mary's eyelids. She quickly blinked to push them away. Mary was not one to get emotional in front of other people, but Bennett meant the world to her. She had known him his entire life, so John reassuring her that she wouldn't lose him when she lost Anna was more needed than she had known.

"Thank you," Mary finally stated, when she was able to level her emotions. "And yes, you may marry Anna. I know you'll make her very happy. I guess it's about time I moved out and gave you two your own space. Baxter will be staying, though. No arguments."

"No, I agree. But we can pay her salary now," John stated, beginning to stand up.

"No, I'll pay for Baxter, for now. Bennett is my godson." John's jaw tightened, but he knew this was a way Mary felt she could still be important in Bennett's life.

"Okay. Thank you, Mary."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2014_

Entering her flat, Anna kicked her shoes off of her swollen feet. She had only a few weeks left until her new baby would be entering the world. Her hands came to her belly when the life inside of her kicked. A small smile graced her features.

"I feel you little one."

Heading to the couch, she placed her feet up on the ottoman and turned on the television. Flipping through the channels, she stopped on an old episode of _Friends. _As per usual, she laughed at certain jokes and enjoyed the episode. Her happiness, however, faded, when Phoebe began talking about how Ross and Rachel were each other's lobsters. She had told John that once. John, who had never watched _Friends_ before, had to be taught what the expression was. She explained how on the show Phoebe said that lobsters mated for life and that if two were meant to be they were called lobsters. Of course after that, she made him watch all 236 episodes.

Tears began to roll down her cheeks as she thought about her lost lobster. Her hands rubbed the top of her belly and she cried harder. They were supposed to go through these things together: marriage, a baby, happiness.

The baby kicked multiple times to remind her he was there.

"You are worth it all," Anna reassured her belly. "You are worth it all."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now_

"What's all this?" Anna asked, as John led her into an empty restaurant. The restaurant was covered in white Christmas lights and one table in the middle of the room was set up for two. Her eyes glanced to John, who just shrugged his shoulders.

Pulling out a chair for Anna to sit, John motioned for her to come over. Anna sat in the chair. After John pushed it back in, he bent down, placed his hand on her belly, and then kissed her forehead. Anna remained somewhat confused, as John went around the small table to his seat. Reaching across the table, John asked for Anna's hand. Anna happily obliged.

"This is all so nice," Anna said, still in awe.

"You deserve everything, my darling," John told her.

A waiter brought out their first course of bread and soup, along with some sparkling water for them. When he disappeared, they began to chat about random things.

"Bennett's birthday is coming up," Anna stated, bringing the cup of water to her lips. As John fixed his napkin on his lap, he nodded.

"I know. He'll be five. That's amazing," John said with a smile. "I have been thinking, we should make it official. If you are okay with it, I would like to adopt Bennett." At those words, Anna's lips curled into a large smile and a few tears slid down her cheeks.

"Is that what tonight's all about?" She asked, a small laugh leaving her lips. "Of course, nothing could make Bennett or me happier, John. When I was pregnant with him, I often wondered what it would be like if he was yours. How much happier…" her words faded with a shake of her head. "Now he can be yours," she finished, reaching across to take his hand.

"That will make me so very happy," John replied. "I want all of us, the four of us, to be an official family."

"Me too," Anna agreed. With that, John stood. Anna's lips pierced in confusion, before he stood before her and went down on one knee. It was then that Anna's eyes widened.

"John…"

"Anna May Smith, will you give me the honor of being my wife?"

"Yes, John, yes," Anna cried, as he opened the box. John took the ring out of the box and slid it onto Anna's slender finger. Then they both stood and embraced.

"You're my lobster, Anna," he whispered into her ear. "And you always will be."

_To be continued..._

_**Please let me know what you thought! Some happiness for the two :). And the best song for this story just came to me today. It's called The Rescue by American Hi-Fi. I highly suggest listening to it or looking up the words. Also, I am thinking of writing a prequel to this story about Mary/Anna and how they became as close as they are. It would be about when Matthew died. So, let me know if you are interested in a story like that, as well. Thank you! **_


	16. This Innocence is Brilliant

_Enjoy! _

**This Innocence is Brilliant (Please Don't Go Away) **

_A Few Weeks Later _

When John got home from work, he found Baxter and Bennett making cookies in the kitchen. He came into find Bennett covered in flour and the two of them giggling. It brought a smile to John's lips. Baxter was great with Bennett and he was glad to see his boy happy. _His_ boy. That thought alone made him beam with pride. He couldn't believe that Anna and Bennett had chosen him as Bennett's father and he would not take that honor lightly. Bennett wouldn't officially be his for another two months. It was a three month process. Because of that, he and Anna were waiting to get married. They wanted to all become an official family on the same day.

"What's going on in here?" John questioned lightly. Bennett turned and saw John and his smile widened.

"We're making cookies for my birthday," Bennett replied. John stepped forward and wiped some of the flour off his cheek.

"That's right; tomorrow is your birthday," John said, feigning ignorance. Bennett had only been talking about turning five every moment of every day the entire week.

"He has requested chocolate chip, snicker-doodle, and sugar cookies for tomorrow," Baxter informed him with a smile.

"That's a lot of cookies. Will you have room for cake too?"

"Yes!" Bennett enthusiastically stated. "We're making snicker-doodle for Mummy. It's her favorite."

"It is," John replied. "Speaking of your mummy, do you know where she is?"

"She's in the office," Baxter answered for him.

"Thank you, Baxter," he said, before turning his attention to Bennett. "Be a good boy. I'll be back soon to test some of the cookies."

He headed toward the office and found Anna sitting at her computer working on her cookbook. Her lip was between her lips and he could tell she was deep in thought. It made him smile. Cooking had always been a passion of hers and he loved that she could share that with the world.

But then his eyes moved up slightly and he saw she was using oxygen. It was the newest outside reminder that she was sick. The pacemaker could be covered up and he could forget, for a moment, that one day she would leave him. This didn't allow for that. Concern filled his features. She was only supposed to use the oxygen at night or during the day, if she felt she needed it. He worried she was over doing things.

"Are you not feeling well, my darling?" John asked, as he stepped deeper into the room. Anna turned to face him and gave him a small smile.

"I'm fine. I was just having a little trouble breathing, is all." John sighed. She always minimized when she wasn't feeling well. This wasn't a headache or a cold; it was her heart.

"Maybe we should go back to Dr. Clarkson," John suggested. Anna shook her head.

"I'm really fine, John. I went outside and played with Bennett for a little while and it just took some energy out of me," she explained.

"You can't overdo it. That's why we have Baxter, so you don't have to," John calmly said. At this, Anna's eyes filled with tears.

"He's my little boy, John. I am not just going to let someone else raise him for me." Tears began to run down her cheeks and John went to her. He gently caressed her cheek with his hand, while wiping the tears away.

"Shh," he quickly soothed. "You're right. I'm sorry." John knew it was a difficult balance for Anna. She wanted to be fully there for Bennett, but her condition made it hard to do. Now with the pregnancy progressing, things were getting harder and harder for her to do.

He lovingly placed his hand on her growing belly and gave it a gentle rub.

"How's little girl doing?" He questioned. At their last appointment, Sybil had informed them that Anna had been right and they were having a girl. Anna rested her hand over John's and smiled.

"Kicking up a storm today. She's going to be strong."

"Like her mama," John murmured, kissing her forehead. Anna's smile faltered.

"I've been thinking, John," Anna said, taking his hands into hers. She turned them in her hands thinking of how much bigger than hers they were, stronger. She loved who they belonged to and what they represented. "I…I want to go ahead and name the baby."

"I thought we were going to wait until we saw her face, like you did with Bennett," John replied. Anna was still staring at his hands, refusing to look him in the eye. Her lips twitched and she slowly moved her eyes up to him.

"I know. But I…I want her to have a name, just in case…" her words faded. John turned his hands so that he could take Anna's into his, before kneeling on the ground so that he could be at eye level with Anna.

"You aren't going to leave us any time soon," he promised her. "You're going to get to hold her and name her."

"Please, John," she pleaded, fresh hot tears falling down her cheeks. "I want her to know I named her. I…I need her to…." Tears began to sting the back of John's eyes. He pulled Anna into his arms and nodded.

"We'll do whatever you want," he promised into her hair. A lone tear slid down his cheek. Every day this got harder. Every day it felt more real.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Happy birthday!" Mary said, as she entered the backyard with Henry Talbot. In her arms were multiple presents stacked up nearly to her chin. Anna saw this and rolled her eyes.

"What all did you get him?" She asked, stepping forward.

"Not much," Mary replied with a shrug.

"Here let me take those," Henry offered, taking the stack from Mary's hand and taking them to the table with the toys.

"You spoil him too much," Anna lightly admonished. "He already has a million toys." Mary just shrugged.

There were still about twenty minutes before the party was supposed to begin, so Mary went to help John and Baxter do the final finishing touches while Bennett played on the playset and Anna sat down on a chair to watch.

Her hand flew up to her forehead and she rubbed it gently. Pounding had begun recently and she sighed. Today was not a day to feel this way. She refused to put on her oxygen or feel bad. Today was Bennett's day.

A few moments later, Mary sat down by Anna and glanced around the backyard. Everything looked perfect. It wasn't going to be a huge party. The entire Crawley family would be present and some friends Bennett had made since the move. Soon Bennett would be starting school.

"Five years old," Mary said, her voice full of emotion. "I can't believe it."

"Me either," Anna agreed. She reached her hand over and took Mary's into hers. "I think we've done a pretty good job."

"Absolutely, we have," Mary replied.

"How are things with Henry?" Anna asked, changing the subject. Mary sighed.

"I think he's going to ask me to marry him," she simply stated. At this, Anna's head jerked to face her.

"Really? Are you going to say yes?"

"Probably," was Mary's simple reply. Anna knew it wasn't simple for Mary. Even though Matthew had been gone for many years, the pain was still there. Anna decided to drop it for now. The party would be starting soon and she would want to discuss this all with Mary in more detail later. Slowly she stood and walked over to greet Sybil, Tom, and Sybbie who had just arrived.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

That night Anna insisted on putting Bennett to bed alone. Lately, she and John would do it together. They would read books, sing songs, and say their prayers together. Then right before bed, Bennett would cross off the next day on the calendar showing how much closer they were to the day they would all become an official family.

Tonight, Anna glanced at the calendar. Two months still felt like a lifetime away. Her hand traced over the big letters that said family day and she prayed for it to arrive quickly. As the days went by she felt worse and worse. She needed to make it longer, not just for the three of them, but for the baby too. On their wedding/adoption day, she would be over 32 weeks pregnant and the baby would have a better chance of survival. Making it past that day was necessary.

"Mummy?" Bennett's voice pulled her away from her thoughts. Anna turned to him and smiled.

"What do you want to read tonight?" She asked him, as she adjusted herself onto the bed next to Bennett. Bennett laid his head on her stomach and giggled when he felt the baby kick against it.

"I don't want to read tonight. I'm tired," he said with a yawn. "Will you just stay with me until I fall asleep?" Anna ran her fingers through his hair and nodded.

"Yes. Would you like me to sing to you?" At this, Bennett nodded. "What do you want me to sing?"

"_You are my Sunshine._"

"_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away._" Before Anna could begin the next verse, Bennett was already asleep. She was glad. Tears had already formed in her eyes at the lyrics and the next verse probably would have made her burst into tears. She kissed Bennett's cheek, before readjusting him on the bed. Her hand caressed his cheek and then she smiled.

"Happy birthday, my beautiful boy. I love you so very much. I hope you always know that." With that, she stood.

When she walked into the hallway, she found John waiting for her. Smiling, she stepped into his arms. He kissed the top of her head and she rested her head against his shoulder. After standing that way for a few moments, the two headed to their own room. Now that Mary had moved out, they had moved to that side of the house. Baxter moved into the bigger room on Bennett's side.

The other side gave them a little bit more privacy, but Anna wasn't sure she would have moved that far away from Bennett if she didn't have Baxter nearby to listen out for him in the middle of the night.

Making it into their room, Anna began to undress to get ready for bed. John nuzzled his head into the crook of her neck and gave her a kiss. Anna moaned in delight. Her hands came up to John's head and she pulled him in closer. With that, John's hands came up to rest on her belly. Anna took John's head into her hands and brought it so that their lips would touch. As they pulled away, Anna smiled.

"We could name her now," she suggested. John bent down to talk to Anna's bare belly.

"Would you like that sweet girl?" He questioned, making Anna laugh. A kick came against John's hand and he smiled. "I'll take that as a yes."

After they got ready for bed and climbed onto their mattress, both of them began to look up names on their phones. John would ask Anna's belly her ideas on any names they suggested and whether the baby kicked or not would determine if he would put it on his list.

"What do we have so far?" Anna asked, glancing over at the list John had written down.

"Stella, Julia, Elizabeth," John answered. Anna furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head.

"None of those work. I…I think I know what we should name her. It's actually been on my mind for a while now, but I wanted to see if another name fit first," Anna told him.

"What do you think we should call her?" John asked, moving closer to Anna.

"Emilia. Emilia May Bates," Anna stated. "Do you like it?" She asked, as she bit into the side of her lips anxiously. A slow smile crept on John's face and he nodded.

"It's beautiful." He bent down and said, "What do you think? Do you like Emilia?" With that, several kicks came against his hand. John and Anna both laughed together. "Well, I think that makes it official."

Anna yawned. She turned her bedside lamp off and put her oxygen on, before John folded her into his arms. As her back pressed against his chest, she slowly began to nod off. Before she could fall asleep, she murmured something.

"What was that, my darling?"

"I hope they always know how much I loved them," she repeated. John sat up to say something back to her, but she was already asleep.

_To be continued..._

_**Coming up is the wedding and adoption :). As always, thank you for reading. Don't forget to let me know what you think. Thank you in advance!**_


	17. I Wish I Could Fly

_Thank you everyone! _

**I Wish I Could Fly **

_Two Months Later _

Anna sat anxiously, as both Dr. Clarkson and Sybil explained the plans for the next two weeks. Now at 32 weeks pregnant, her heart had grown even weaker. The two doctor's had come and worked together to come up with the best plan for both Anna's and the baby's health. John's hand came up to rest on her shoulder and give it a squeeze. She turned to face him and gave him a small smile. Stretched across his features was worry. There was no mistaking that. She hated that she was causing him so much anguish.

"The goal is to try to get Baby to make it to 34 weeks. So in two weeks, we will try to induce labor. Vaginal delivery is better for your heart, because you will lose the least amount of blood that way. However, we will have to play that by ear," Sybil gently explained. Anna's hands came up to rest on the top of her growing bump. This all made her anxious. That was still a premature baby.

"And Emilia will be okay?" She questioned, a few tears swelling in her eyes. Sybil gave her a kind smile and nodded.

"Yes. That is why we've already begun the steroids to help her lungs to be ready. All the tests we have done show she should be a strong little one." Anna bit her lip, but nodded.

"Once the baby is born, we will wait until you are stable and then take you in for surgery," Dr. Clarkson began. "That's when we will place the LVAD."

"And that will help her?" John asked. His entire body felt numb. Just the day before they had begun test after test to check on Anna, after she fainted at home. John had found her on the kitchen floor. He had been terrified and worried that this was the end.

Once they did the tests, they had given them the bad news that Anna's heart had gotten much worse and that her heart was now at end-stage heart failure.

"Yes. It can add up to ten years to her life," Dr. Clarkson told them. "Tomorrow you can have your wedding and adoption ceremony, but I want you back here in the hospital the day after that. We will be monitoring you and the baby closely. If there is any signs of distress, we will deliver early."

"What can I do, Doctor, to make sure she's okay the next two days?"

"I'll be nearby," Sybil assured him. "She needs to stay on her oxygen and rest as much as she's able."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_The Next Day_

Lifting Bennett so that he was standing on the bathroom counter, John began to tie the young boy's tie. Anna had gotten them matching button up shirts and ties to wear to the ceremony. The little boy beamed with pride when he turned and saw them both in the mirror.

"I look just like you, daddy!"

"You do, my boy," John agreed. "Now, we need to go and get our shoes and socks on."

He picked Bennett up and walked him into his bedroom. Bennett's shoes were sitting beside the bed, but his socks were missing. John got down on his hands and knees and began searching for them under the bed. Bennett copied his father's motions and soon they were both crawling around the floor.

"What's all this?" Mary's voice rang from the doorway. Bennett stood up and John pulled himself up, onto just his knees.

"My socks are missing," Bennett explained to his aunt.

"Is Anna alright?" Once the morning had come, John had been banished to the other side of the house with Bennett so he wouldn't see Anna in her dress. After her fainting spell and the new news about her heart, John worried about her when he couldn't be near her. He knew she had Sybil, Cora, and Mary all helping her, but he still hated being away from Anna.

"She's right as rain," Mary promised. "I came to see if you both were ready. It's about time to leave."

"Found them!" Bennett nearly yelled, holding up a pair of socks.

"We'll be right over. You, Anna, and the others can go ahead and head to the courthouse. Bennett and I will be right behind you."

After Mary left, John helped Bennett with his socks and shoes. The little boy jumped off the bed when he was done and into John's arms. Had you told John years ago that he would have loved a child, that wasn't his flesh and blood, this much one day, he wouldn't have believed you. But he did. Bennett fit perfectly into his arms and he knew he would love his new baby just as much.

"Are you ready, Bennett?"

"Yes. And today, Mummy and I will be Bateses?"

"Yes, today we will all be the Bates Family."

"Yay!"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The wedding was going to happen first. It was a small ceremony at the courthouse. Mary, Henry, Sybil, Tom, Cora, and Robert were there of course. At first, they had wanted just Mary and Robert, as they were their best friends, but with Anna being sick, Sybil was a necessary add on. By then it just made sense to let them all come.

Anna was sitting in a wheelchair outside of the doors that led into the room where they would be getting married. She didn't feel very beautiful with the oxygen attached to her nose or the pacemaker poking out partially on the top of her dress. She sighed.

Slowly standing up, Sybil walked to her and did a quick assessment of her vitals. After doing the assessment, she gave Anna a small smile. She gently pulled the tubes off of Anna's ears and out of her nose.

"I think you can make it without this for just a few minutes. Now, if you feel dizzy or light headed at any time, let me know."

"I will," Anna replied.

Mary stepped closer to Anna and wrapped her arm around hers. She was going to walk her down the small aisle to John. Anna tightened her grip around Mary's and leaned in a bit closer to her friend.

"Thank you," she said quietly, so that only Mary could hear her. Mary's lips pierced together, as her head cocked slightly.

"For what?"

"For everything, Mary," she said with sincerity. A lone tear slid down Anna's cheek and Mary reached up quickly to wipe it away. "You have done so much for me. I….I…I don't know where I would be today without you."

"Oh Anna," Mary replied, biting back her own tears. "I don't know where I would be either." Anna rested her head against Mary's shoulder and took a deep breath. It had been just the two of them, plus Bennett, for so long. Now things had changed, but they both knew these changes were for the better.

Anna straightened up and Sybil opened the door for her. When she walked in, she found Bennett and John standing up at the front. They both had big, wide grins on their faces. It made her smile. For so long she had wanted this moment and now it was here. It was actually happening.

When she reached the front, Mary kissed her cheek, before letting her go. Mary then glanced at John and gave him a nod. John nodded back. In that moment, Anna knew their mutual love for her and Bennett would keep the two of them close for the rest of their lives. It made Anna feel a peace about the future. If the new surgery didn't work out and she couldn't be here, then at least the people she loved the most would all be together.

The ceremony had to be quick. Anna couldn't be without her oxygen for too long. Her breaths were growing shorter, but she happily pushed through. It wasn't every day that one would get to marry the love of their life.

"You may now kiss the bride."

John's lips broke into the most ridiculously happy grin when he heard those words. The two leaned forward and happily joined their lips together. Claps could be heard behind them and Bennett let out a small whoop of excitement.

Pulling out of the kiss, John rested his hand on Anna's cheek. "I love you, Mrs. Bates." Anna giggled lightly and bit her lower lip.

"I love you too, Mr. Bates."

As the two glanced dewy-eyed at one another, Sybil came behind Anna and began to put her oxygen back on her. Anna thanked her for her help, before Robert brought over the wheelchair for her to sit. John bent down and kissed Anna once more.

"Now let's go make Bennett an official Bates, too."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The adoption ceremony went smoothly. John said all the right words and filled out all the right paperwork. Now it was official. Bennett's name had been changed to Bennett Matthew Bates. They were even getting a new birth certificate that labeled John as his father. The three, and soon four, were now an official family.

To celebrate, they headed back to the house to have cake and drinks. It would be a small celebration, for now. Anna needed to be able to rest. They would all have some cake and hang out for about an hour, before leaving so Anna could get back into bed.

Anna was set up on the couch and everyone stayed nearby so they could chat with her and she could see what was going on.

"Mummy," Bennett's sweet voice came from behind the couch. Anna turned her head and gave him a smile.

"Yes."

"I'm Bennett Bates and you're Anna Bates!" Anna's chuckled and nodded her head. She was so happy that Bennett was thrilled to be a Bates.

"That's right." With that, Bennett ran off to find Mary to ask for more cake. Anna felt a tug in the cushion and moved her head to see that John had sat next to her. She sat up slightly and rested her head against his chest.

"Today was a good day," Anna murmured into his chest. She was growing tired. Soon, she would need to retire to her bedroom. She felt as John's hand came up to the small of her back and began to rub gentle circles.

"It was, my darling. I love calling you Mrs. Bates," he said into her ear. Anna moaned happily and closed her eyes.

"Me too."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John awoke suddenly in the middle of the night. He felt something tight around his arm. Jerking up, he realized that feeling was Anna's hand. Turning on the bedside lamp, he glanced to Anna. Her face was pale and her body was jerking as she tried to take in breaths.

"Anna?" He asked, worriedly. Seeing her eyes, he could see they were frightened. He took her shoulders into his hands and tried to remain calm for her. "Darling? What can I do?"

Anna's head just shook. "I…" she could barely get out. "I….I… c..can…can't….br…breathe."

_To be continued..._

**_Thank you for reading! Please drop a review to let me know what you think! Thank you in advance! _**


	18. What Am I Supposed to Do?

_This chapter focuses mainly on Mary-but John is in it too, but while this is a love story between John and Anna, it is also a story of friendship between Anna and Mary. Next chapter will focus more on John/Anna. This chapter came about because I heard the song Soon You'll Get Better by Taylor Swift this morning while doing the dishes. For some reason, it made me think of Anna/Mary in this story. I am often inspired by music and that song inspired this entire chapter. I hope you enjoy! _

**What am I Supposed to Do (If There's No You?)**

_2018_

_ Viral Cardiomyopathy. _ Mary ran the two words over and over in her head as the doctor explained why Anna had fainted that afternoon. Her eyes glanced over to her friend, who was hooked up to several monitors. She looked smaller sitting in the hospital bed. It frightened her, but Mary Crawley wasn't one to show weakness easily. So she sat up and cocked her head slightly.

"What does that mean?" She questioned.

"It's a virus in the heart. It is hard to pinpoint how she caught it. In about 50 percent of cases, the heart will heal on its own with rest."

"And in the other 50%?"

"We won't worry about that right now," the doctor answered. Mary didn't like that response. She opened her mouth to speak, but Anna took her hand and held it tightly. Turning her face to her friend, she could see the fear etched on her features. Mary knew what Anna was thinking, if she wasn't part of the 50% that healed then it was bad news. Trying to ease Anna's fears, Mary gave her a forced smile.

"Well, now we have excuses for several movie nights and lazy days." Anna attempted a smile, but it didn't meet her eyes. It made Mary's smile falter. "We'll get through this together."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now _

John sat in the waiting room with his head within his hands. When they had arrived at the hospital, the doctors had rushed Anna to the back leaving him alone with no answers or any idea of how she or their daughter was doing. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks, but he didn't try to wipe them away. At the moment, he didn't care.

"John?" At the sound of Mary's distraught voice, he glanced up. Never in his life had he seen Mary Crawley frightened, but here she stood absolutely terrified in front of him. Her cheeks were so pale they were nearly translucent and her eyes were bright red. He knew she had been crying.

Once he had called for an ambulance, he had called Mary to tell her what was going on. She said she would meet him at the hospital right away. During the phone call, Mary had seemed miles away. John realized she was just as shocked as he was. The two had been hoping that with the new plan, Anna would be with them much longer. It now appeared that wasn't going to happen.

"Mary," he said, his voice tight. "They….they took her straight back. No….nothing has been said…." His voice got caught in his throat and he swallowed back a sob.

Almost as if she had been summoned, Sybil walked out of the doors and into the waiting room. Mary turned sharply and John stood. Sybil's face was hard to read. She took in a deep breath, before offering them a small nod.

"Anna's in critical condition," she informed them.

"Oh my god," Mary cried, her hand coming up over her mouth.

"We need to deliver the baby right away. John, as her husband and the father, I need your permission to perform a C-section to deliver the baby early."

"I…I thought you said that would be riskier," John suddenly felt sick. He had this feeling in the pit of his stomach that he would lose his wife and daughter today. Fresh hot tears filled his eyes.

"She's too weak to deliver the baby vaginally. We need to get the baby out so that Anna has a chance to live," Sybil's voice was firm, but kind. There wasn't time for explanations.

"O…okay. Do the C-section," he replied. Sybil handed him a clipboard with a paper that he needed to sign. As he signed his name, his hand shook. He felt like he was signing his wife's life away.

Sybil took the form and quickly headed back to perform the operation on Anna. John felt as though he was about to burst, but before he could, he heard the loudest sob escape Mary's lips. He turned and saw Mary struggling to breathe. Her entire body was shaking, as harsh sobs left her lips. Stepping toward Mary, John pulled her into his arms. And there, the two wept for their Anna.

A few minutes passed and the two awkwardly stood, before slowly pulling apart. Mary wiped beneath her eyes and glanced up at the clock. She wondered how long a C-section would take. The two sat down in the seats and remained quiet, as they awaited news about Anna.

Time seemed to be ticking at half-speed. John checked his phone often, only to find that only a minute or two had passed. His fingers began to tap against the seat and then his foot fell in with the same beat.

"She has to be okay," Mary said, finally breaking the silence. John looked her way to see Mary's lower lip trembling. There was nothing reassuring he could say, because he felt the same way she did, but he did reach his hand over and take her hand.

"Anna loves you," he finally said, when he squeezed her hand. "You have been a wonderful friend to her and for that I am grateful." Mary could only nod.

Time slowed down to nearly a standstill and soon they were both pacing.

"John, Mary," Sybil's voice gently called for them both. The two turned to face her and watched as Sybil swallowed hard. As he waited for her to say something, John felt like his heart was being held in a vice. "You have a baby girl and she is very strong," Sybil gave John a smile.

"And….and Anna?" Mary quietly asked. Sybil's face fell slightly.

"She's still in critical condition. Dr. Clarkson is working on stabilizing her," she answered. "I…I wish I had better news. You can come and see your daughter now, if you'd like."

John slowly nodded. He wanted to meet his daughter with Anna, but that wasn't possible. He couldn't leave his new daughter alone. She needed to know she was loved. He turned to look at Mary, but she shook her head.

"I'll…I'll just wait here for news on Anna."

"Okay."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Here," Sybil said, leading John down a small hallway. She pushed open a door and the two walked to a corner of the room. There in an incubator sat a tiny baby girl. John's eyes filled with new tears and his lips curled into a small smile.

"You can't hold her, yet. But you can put your hand in and touch her," Sybil informed him. She helped him open the small door and showed him how to say hello to his daughter. Sybil then walked away to give the two a moment together.

John sat down in the chair and slowly brought his hand into the incubator. He touched Emilia's small hand and smiled when the baby reacted and took his finger into his hand.

"Hello," he murmured. "I'm your Daddy, Emilia May Bates. I love you so very much." He sighed. There, in front of him, was a helpless baby that depended on him. He couldn't do this alone.

Emilia tugged at his finger and he glanced at her face. Her small eyes were open and staring right at him.

"You have a Mummy that loves you so much, little one," he said. He ran his thumb over her small knuckles and sighed. "You'll never know how loved you truly are."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_The Next Evening_

Mary walked into Anna and John's house feeling lost. She sighed and glanced around the house. Biting down on her lower lip, she stepped into the main area where she found Baxter and Bennett watching television. Bennett smiled as soon as he saw his aunt and ran toward her. Mary bent down to his level and hugged him tightly.

"You have a baby sister," she said into his hair. The little boy pulled back and smiled.

"Really?!"

"Really," Mary replied. She pulled out her cell phone and showed him a picture John had taken of Emilia. "Her name is Emilia. She's very small, so you have to be very careful with her."

"I will," Bennett promised.

"I know you will. Go get on your pajamas and then we can watch _Frozen_," Mary told the small boy.

When Bennett was out of earshot, Baxter asked, "How's Anna?"

"She's….well, it's not good. Dr. Clarkson says the next twenty-four hours are critical. If she can make it through them, then she should be able to have the surgery for the LVAD." Mary took in a shuddering breath. The last nearly twenty-four hours had been draining. While Emilia was doing well, Anna was not. Mary was sure she was going to lose her best friend. When she had finally been able to see Anna, she hardly recognized her. She blinked away the tears and shook her head.

"You can take tonight off, Baxter. You're welcome to stay here, but I'll take over for Bennett." Baxter nodded and headed to her room. She could tell Mary needed some alone time with Bennett.

When Bennett returned moments later, Mary offered him a big smile. She would stay strong for him.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Despite the fact that she had been up for hours, Mary couldn't sleep. She walked to the kitchen and found a few dishes that needed to be washed in the sink. Needing some music to take her thoughts off of everything, she asked Alexa to play Taylor Swift music. She was hoping for some happy pop music to fill the room, but that wasn't what she got. A soft slow tune started, she thought of changing it, but she didn't.

As the lyrics began, her body froze.

_The buttons of my coat were tangled in my hair; In doctor's-office-lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared; That was the first time we were there_

Mary was suddenly brought back to the room when they were first told Anna was sick. She had been so terrified that day, but couldn't tell Anna. Her body began to shake and she felt her resolve fading.

_And I hate to make this all about me; But who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do; If there's no you?_

A harsh sob escaped her lips and she dropped the cup that was in her hand into the sink. The loud clank was barely registered by her. Anna had been her best friend, her only _real_ friend, for so long. What would she do without her?

"Auntie Mary?" Bennett's small voice made Mary turn sharply. Upon seeing his worried face, Mary attempted to give him a gentle smile.

"Bennett," her voice was shaky. "Did…did I wake you?" Bennett shook his head.

"I couldn't sleep," the little boy explained. "Are you crying because Mummy is sick?" He questioned. Mary should have known the little boy understood more than they told him. He had always been observant and they had never lied to him about his mother's condition. It was important to Anna that they were honest with him.

"I am," Mary replied.

"Is Mummy coming back home?" At these words, Mary felt a new sob threatening to escape, but she held it down. She had to be strong for Bennett.

"I….I don't know, Bennett. She wants to come home to you," Mary honestly answered. "She always wants to be with you." Mary walked to Bennett and lifted him into her arms. She thought about how he had always fit perfectly there and how she wished, if it came to it, that she would be enough for him.

Walking him back to his room, the two remained quiet. When she placed Bennett into his bed, she crawled in next to him. Bennett rested his head on her chest and sighed.

"Will Daddy come home?" He asked, his voice small.

"Yes, your daddy will be home soon, and your sister," she added. Bennett twisted his small lips and then Mary heard a soft whimper.

"I want Mummy to come home too," he confessed into the darkness. Mary wrapped her arms around his small frame and held him close.

"I do too, Bennett, I do too."

_To be continued..._

**_Please be patient with me if it takes several days for the next chapter. I do apologize for leaving you on this note in the story, but I was happy to be able to get one last chapter in before my week gets extremely hectic. I am going to try to update You Cry More, if I find the time today, but if not, this will likely be my last update for a while. Please let me know what you thought. Thank you in advance! _**


	19. The Weight of the World

_Thank you everyone. Enjoy! _

**The Weight of the World Never Felt So Alive**

She didn't seem real. He watched as her chest rose and fell with the help of the ventilator that had been placed down her throat. His throat tightened and fresh tears built up behind his eyelids. Blinking them away, he took her hand into his. It was lifeless in his large hands. He ran his fingers over her knuckles and sighed.

"They need you, Anna," he whispered, as he brought her hand to his lips and gently kissed the back of her hand. A sob caught in his throat thinking of Bennett and Emilia. There were these two small children that had just become his and he felt an immense responsibility to protect them from the pain they would likely face. He knew he should be with them, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Anna's side. At least Bennett had Mary to be with him now. He did visit Emilia a couple of times throughout the day, but it was hard for him to leave Anna. Every time he walked away, he feared he would return to find her gone.

"I…I need you, Anna," he said, his voice tight. A few tears seeped from his eyes and he quickly wiped them away. The past 48 hours had been difficult. Anna wasn't showing any signs of improvement.

_Knock. Knock. _

John turned his head to find Robert's head poking through the hospital room door. His face was kind and full of sorrow for what his friend was going through. John nodded, letting him know he could come in. Robert pushed the door open to step in, before quietly closing it behind him. Upon seeing Anna, Robert was unable to contain the gasp that left his lips.

"Mary told me things were not looking good for Anna," Robert told John. All John could do was shake his head. Words were too hard. In many ways, John felt guilty for not contacting his best friend in this time of need, but he hadn't been able to. All his focus remained on Anna.

Robert took a seat next to John and just sat their silently several moments to support his friend. His hand came up and over to John's shoulder, giving it a hard, caring squeeze, before it dropped back to his side. Finally, Robert spoke.

"Do you remember when Cora came down with that awful case of the flu?" Robert asked John. John nodded. He did. Cora had been so sick that she had ended up in the hospital. It had only been a few years ago. John remembered coming to the hospital and sitting with Robert, as the time passed by slowly. The ticking of the clock had made Robert go nearly insane and John had ended up filling the time with old war stories to help it go by quicker.

"I do," John said quietly. His eyes fell back to Anna's chest. Up and down. Up and down. It and the beeping on the monitor were the only signs she was still alive.

"I can't do this, Robert. I can't lose her," John's lips trembled slightly and he tightened his grip around Anna's frail fingers.

"It's a hopeless feeling," Robert agreed, "with the love of your life ill in front of you and there is nothing you can do to fix it." John bit his lower lip to calm it and swallowed hard.

"I have two small children that need me to be strong and I'm not sure I can do it," John confessed. "I don't know why she chose me," he murmured, his body beginning to shake.

"Because she loves you," Robert simply replied, "And she trusts you with the two things that she cherishes the most."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_The Next Day_

"Now?" John asked, his hand reaching over to take Anna's hand. Dr. Clarkson suggested attempting the LVAD surgery today. Anna wasn't getting any better. This would be her only chance at survival.

"Yes, right away. I cannot promise she will come out of the surgery better," Dr. Clarkson said, shifting uneasily on his feet. "However, if we don't try this, we will lose her in a few days."

John's eyes fell to Anna's face. It seemed paler than the day before and he reached up to brush his fingertips over her cheek. He wished she was awake so he could ask her what she wanted. Slowly, he nodded. She would want to try; want to live.

"Okay," he told Dr. Clarkson. He bent over and kissed the top of her head. His lips lingered there for a while and he closed his eyes, trying not to think about how this could be his last kiss to give her. "I love you," he murmured into her hair. "I will love our children fiercely and always let them know how much you love them," he promised, before slowly pulling away.

Soon, he was given paperwork to sign and then was watching Anna being pushed out of the room and being taking away from him.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

While the surgery was going on, John made his way up to NICU to check on Emilia. Dr. Clarkson promised to contact him as soon as Anna was out of surgery.

When he reached the NICU, a nurse automatically recognized him and gave him a smile. She led him over to Emilia and John immediately realized she was no longer in an incubator. He reached his hand down into the small clear bassinet and the girl quickly took his finger. A chuckle left his lips.

"Would you like to hold her?"

"Absolutely," John replied, his heart racing in his chest. He couldn't believe he would be able to hold her. She was still very small. The nurse led him to a rocking chair and instructed him to unbutton his shirt.

"Skin to skin is so important for her," the nurse explained, as she laid Emilia onto his chest. Then she placed a blanket over the baby's small frame and smiled. "I'll leave you two alone so you can bond."

As the nurse walked away, John slowly rocked back and forth. It didn't take long for Emilia to fall back to sleep. Her small frame fit perfectly on his chest. He could feel her small chest rising and falling against his own and he smiled. He couldn't believe how much he could love something so tiny.

The small girl curled up her lips and turned up her head so it was facing up to John. Upon seeing her face, he realized how she had his features. Her lips and nose were undoubtedly John's and the coloring was his coloring, as well. Even the hair on top of her head was dark. While she was absolutely beautiful, he couldn't help but be a little disappointed that she didn't look like Anna. However, he then remembered something Anna had said to him a few weeks ago.

"_She's not my replacement," Anna had said to him mentioning he hoped the baby looked like her. "Emilia will be her own person, John. You can't make her replace me. If…if I die, don't put that burden on her." _

"Emilia," he murmured her name and the small girl moved slightly. Slowly, he pressed a kiss on top of her forehead and sighed. "I can't wait to see who you become."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The surgery took several hours. When Anna was brought back into her room, John noticed she seemed just as pale as before, but the ventilator was no longer in her mouth. He thought how that had to be a good sign.

"She did well," Dr. Clarkson told John. "It's still a waiting game. We will know more once she awakes."

Dr. Clarkson walked out of the room and left him alone with Anna. John swallowed hard. The way Dr. Clarkson had said his last sentence seemed to imply she might not awake. But she was here, now. He had her in front of him again. His eyes fell back on her chest to see the rise and fall, once more. As it went up and down, he sighed contently. She was here now. She hadn't left him, yet. She was a fighter.

John stepped to the corner and made a quick call to Mary to let her know how the surgery had gone. He could hear the relief in her voice as she heard she was still here. She agreed with him that Anna was a fighter, before putting Bennett on the phone.

"Are you being good for Aunt Mary?" He asked the small boy.

"Yes. When will you be home?" The question made John's heart stop. He hated being away from Bennett, especially now.

"I'll come home soon," he promised.

"Okay, Daddy. Take care of Mummy and Emilia. Tell them I love them and that I will be a good big brother."

"I will," John told him. "I love you, buddy."

"I love you too, Daddy."

Hanging up the phone, he walked back to Anna. Sitting next to the bed, he took her hand into his. He gave it a small squeeze, before sighing.

"I held Emilia today," he told her. "She looks like me, but somehow is still beautiful," he added with a chuckle. "She's a strong girl, just like her mother."

John brought the back of her hand up to his cheek and leaned against it. Suddenly, her hand turned in his and her fingers were fluttering against his cheek. He glanced up to see Anna's eyes slowly opening and lips parting.

"Anna," he muttered, leaning closer to her.

"John," her voice was raw from the ventilator that had been in her throat. He sat himself up, so that his hand could come to her cheek and turn her head to him.

"Shh, you need your rest, my love." He pressed several grateful kisses to her cheek and smiled.

"Bennett….Emilia…?"

"They are both great," he told her strongly. His forehead lightly rested onto hers and he breathed her in. He couldn't believe she was here with him at this moment; awake, alive.

"I'm here," Anna slowly said, as though she just realized she was alive. John pulled back slightly and gave a small laugh, nodding his head.

"You are, my darling." He watched as a tear slid down Anna's cheek.

"I..I didn't want to leave you, not yet," she said between each breath. John smiled and slowly brought his lips to hers.

"You are a stubborn one, Anna Bates, and for that I am grateful," John chuckled, pulling away. Anna's hand came up to rest on John's cheek.

"Me too."

There were too many cords and monitors for John to climb into the bed next to Anna, so he just moved the chair as close as he could and held her hand tightly. He didn't plan on letting her go anytime soon.

_To be continued..._

**This story is coming close to its end. Please let me know what you have thought so far. Thank you in advance. **


	20. The Wonder of it All is You

_Thank you all! _

**The Wonder of it All is You**

Slowly waking up, Anna felt a hand within her own. Immediately, she could tell it wasn't John's hand. The hand was much smoother and smaller than John's. She sighed contently and fluttered her eyes opened.

"Mary," she murmured. It was a happy surprise to find her friend next to her. As much as she loved being with John, she had missed Mary. Over the past several years, their relationship had been her only real one outside of Bennett. Had it not been for Mary, Anna would have been alone.

Upon seeing her friend awake, Mary smiled and sat up closer to Anna.

"John went home to spend a few hours with Bennett. He'll be back shortly," Mary quickly explained. Anna nodded. She had been sleeping for long hours at a time. Sometimes she would fall asleep at eight in the morning and awake at nine at night. The doctor said that would be normal for a few more days, as her body healed from both surgeries.

"I'm glad you're here," Anna told Mary with a small smile. Her body still ached. She had to remind herself that within just a few days she had had two major surgeries. It would take time for her to heal. All in all, she was grateful to still be here.

"Have you met Emilia, yet?" Anna questioned Mary. Mary's head shook and she folded her hands over her lap.

"Not yet," Mary simply replied. Anna swallowed hard and twisted her lips.

"I….I can't see her. She and I are both too weak to be moved from our rooms. Dr. Clarkson says I should be able to see her in a few days, hopefully. John has taken a ton of pictures. At least I have those," she mused, a few tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. It was hard being away from her newborn baby. However, she was grateful John could spend time with her and that she had been given a second chance. For the longest time, she thought she would never get to meet her new baby. At least now that would happen. Anna shook away the tears.

"How's Bennett?" Anna also missed her sweet boy. She knew between John, Mary, and Baxter that he was well taken care of. However, it didn't keep her from wanting him in her arms.

"He misses you," Mary honestly replied. "But he's doing well. Baxter has come up with some fun activities to fill in the time. One day, when I have my own children, I may have to steal her from you," Mary teased.

"And will you, one day, have children?" Anna's eyes narrowed slightly and Mary chuckled.

"I hope so," Mary answered. "Henry asked me to marry him, Anna."

"Oh Mary," Anna breathed, happy for her friend. "And…..are you?" At this Mary smiled and nodded. "Oh!" Anna exclaimed happily. She wanted to jump up and hug her friend, but she was stuck on the hospital bed. So she reached her hand out and grabbed Mary's to give it a tight squeeze. "I am so very happy for you, Mary. When will you two get married?"

"Not until you are better," Mary simply stated.

A wave of tiredness swept over Anna and she began to struggle to keep up with the conversation. Mary seemed to notice and just gave Anna a kind smile.

"Get some rest, Anna. I'll be here for a few more hours."

"I…" Anna began, but Mary shook her head.

"We can discuss it all once you're rested."

At that Anna nodded and faded back to sleep.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_2013_

"What's this?" Anna questioned. Her eyes had landed on a small wrapped box sitting on John's bedside table. John's arms wrapped around her bare frame on the bed and pulled her closer to him. His lips caressed the top of her shoulder.

"John?" She asked again, as his hands began to explore her body. "When did this get on your bedside table?" Anna turned her body so that she was facing him and John sighed. He gave her a sheepish grin and sat up.

"Alright," he said. He grabbed the small package and handed it to Anna. "Here."

Giddiness rose through Anna's body and she chuckled. "What is it?"

"Open it," John told her. Anna brought the box to her ear and shook it. It was light and didn't make much sound. Anna twitched her nose and glanced to John.

"Why did you get me a gift and when did you put it next to the bed?"

"Keep asking questions and I will take it back." At that, Anna pulled the box closer to her chest and shook her head.

"No, no. I'll open it." Anna carefully untucked the paper and pulled back the tape. With the wrapping paper off of the box, she took the lid off and gasped when she saw what was inside. "John!"

"I know it's not much. I just saw it in the store and it reminded me of….." Anna interrupted him by throwing her arms around his neck and pecking a kiss against his cheek.

"I love it!" She exclaimed, pulling away from him. She lifted the small stuffed horse up and then hugged it to her chest. "It reminds me of my horse when I was little. It looks just like Melody." Seeing Anna smile made John smile in return.

"I'm glad you like it." Anna had spoken of her horse many times. She had such good memories of riding her as a young girl. After her father had died, they had to sell Melody. Anna told John she cried every day for a month after Melody was gone. When John saw the small stuffed horse at the store, he knew he had to buy it for her. He hoped that one day he could get her a new horse. Not one to replace Melody; just a new one for her to love.

"I don't just like it, John. I love it, truly! I will never let this go!"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_Now (2020)_

"Daddy?" Bennett questioned, as he pushed his way through the small opening between John's arm and frame. Bennett then placed his hands on John's chest and turned his head slightly. John sat up slightly on the couch and laughed. He was still adjusting to the lack of personal space that came with a five year old. He ruffled the small boy's hair.

"Yes, Bennett?"

"Can I make Mummy something?" The five year old climbed up onto John's lap.

"I think she would like that," John agreed.

"I want to make her something big," Bennett added, as his hands made a wide circle to show just how big he wanted to make something for his mother.

"Not too big, Buddy. Mummy doesn't have a ton of space in her room." Bennett's face fell slightly. He jumped off John's lap and ran toward his room. John's curiosity was peeked and he began to follow the boy.

When he reached Bennett's room, he saw Bennett inside of his closet digging around. He watched as a few stray items were thrown out of the way, before Bennett stepped out of the closet triumphantly. In his hands was a small stuffed horse. John's eyes widened.

"Where…where did you get that?" He questioned the boy. Bennett lifted it up and smiled.

"Mummy gave it to me when I was a baby," Bennett answered. "She said it was very special. Since it's small, I thought maybe she'd like it back." John reached his hand out and Bennett easily handed it over.

John brought the small horse closer to him. It was the same horse John had given Anna as a gift many years ago. The hair wasn't as shiny as it had been before, but it was still in great condition. John couldn't explain how much it meant to him that Anna had kept it all of these years. A small smile crept on his lips.

"I'll take this to Mummy when I go back to the hospital. I think she's going to love it, Bennett."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When John got back to the hospital, Anna was sleeping. He took the small horse and placed it on the food tray that was sitting in front of her. A smile swept over his lips. He knew she was going to be happy to see it.

He hadn't been wrong. Not too long after he had arrived, Anna had begun to wake up. As her eyes fluttered opened, they landed on the horse sitting in front of her. John watched as her eyes brightened and a smile grew on her lips.

"Where…where did you find this?" Anna asked. Her hand reached in front of her and she gently touched it as though it would disappear if she wasn't careful.

"I didn't; Bennett did," John kissed the top of Anna's head.

"Mmm," Anna murmured. She placed her hand against John's neck to hold him close for a moment. "I gave it to him when he was born. I wanted him to have something special from someone special." Anna said into John's ear. John sat back slightly and grinned.

"He thought his mum needed it back," John told her in return. John caressed Anna's cheek with his hand, before retaking his seat next to her bed.

"Dr. Clarkson said I should start feeling more like myself soon and less tired than I had been," Anna informed John. Dr. Clarkson had come by a few hours earlier when Mary was visiting with her.

"Oh yeah?"

Anna nodded.

"Good," John replied.

"He also said this device should keep me going for another five to ten years," she added with a wink. "He's added me to the heart transplant list."

John felt a rush of hope surge through his body. Before, Dr. Clarkson had said not to be hopeful for a heart transplant and that the LVAD would be Anna's last way to extend her life. He reached for Anna's hand and wanted to give it a squeeze. However, Anna shifted slightly and placed her hand on his check instead.

"We can't get our hopes up too much, John. My tissue type is rare and this list is long. Also, now that I have the device I am not as in need as other people. So we just have to take the years the LVAD gives us and if a heart comes up, then we'll celebrate. Okay?"

"I will cherish every moment given to me-to _us_, my darling. I thought I lost you there for a minute and I am so grateful that wasn't the end of our story."

"Me too."

_To be continued..._

_**This chapter was going to be a little longer, but I stopped early because I have a Halloween one shot I want to get done quickly. I also wanted to make sure I had something up for you guys since I don't know when I'll get a chance to update this story over the weekend. Thank you for reading! Please drop a review and let me know what you think! Also, I think there are only two parts left. **_


	21. Lucky Charm

_Alright, I know I said there would be two more parts, but I was wrong. As I went to work on this story, I realized there was only one part left. That is partly because my muse decided to change the ending. Thank you all for reading this story! Enjoy! _

**Lucky Charm**

_7 Years Later _

"Daddy, you aren't doing it right," Emilia complained, as she took the hairbrush out of John's hand and turned back to face the mirror. "Mummy always does it this way." Emilia showed John how Anna would brush her hair into a ponytail and then tie the band around her thick dark hair. However, when Emilia tried to do the last step, her hair fell out again. Suddenly, Emilia burst into tears. "My hair!"

"Emilia, you look just as beautiful with your hair down," John said, trying to settle his daughter. He sighed slightly. He needed Anna here to handle hair and clothing. To Emilia he was never good enough at this. "Maybe even more beautiful," he added.

Emilia twisted her lips and then nodded, sniffling and rubbing the tears from her eyes. She pulled open the large drawer of bows and picked out the purple one to match her dress, before handing it to John.

John tightened his jaw, but clipped the bow on the side like he had seen Anna do many times before. Watching Emilia's face carefully, he sighed in relief when she seemed pleased with the outcome.

"Perfect!" Emilia turned and wrapped her arms around John's waist. His hands returned the action and he took in a deep breath. There wasn't much better in life than one of his children hugging him. Emilia, who had been born small, was a tough one. She was strong willed, but fair minded. John knew once she hit the teens that she would be a force to be reckoned with.

John gently took her shoulders into his hands and stepped back slightly. "Go on and get your brother," he told her. Emilia happily skipped out of the bathroom and he could hear her calling across the house for Bennett. "Don't yell for him, Em, go and get him."

Emilia sighed, but did as she was told. John chuckled. He stepped into the hallway and headed across to the kitchen. There sitting on the table was an ornate cake made by Bennett. At only twelve years old, Bennett had become a master in the kitchen like his mother. He went to swipe at a corner of the cake, when he heard Bennett shouting across the room.

"Dad! No!" Bennett came running toward him and gave him a scowl. "That's not for now. There's leftover icing over there," John looked to where Bennett was pointing. He grabbed the bowl and happily dug his finger into it to get a taste.

"I don't know how you do it, son, but this tastes like heaven."

"Can I have some?" Emilia eagerly asked. John put the bowl to her level and Emilia swiped her own bit of icing.

"You both are going to get messy," Bennett scolded. John just laughed.

"We'll wash our hands. It'll be okay."

As promised, John and Emilia washed their hands. Then John carefully picked up the cake and led the children out to the car.

Placing the cake into the car, John felt immense responsibility not to let anything happen to it. Bennett had spent hours and hours making it perfect. He twisted his lips and maneuvered everything in the back until he was sure the cake would make it to their final location safely.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When they reached the building, John saw that many people had already arrived. Emilia ran off in front of him and he had to call her back to help grab a few things. She pouted briefly, before taking a couple of the bags and rushing back inside. Bennett, on the other hand, had already taken several things inside before John even had to ask him.

"John!" Sybil's happy voice rang. She walked up to him and placed her arm lightly around him. "Does she suspect anything?"

"I don't think so. I believe Mary and I have kept it under wraps."

"Great! The entire Crawley clan is here and a few others. Do you need help with anything?" John shook his head.

"No, thank you."

He walked into the building and was happy to see how well decorated it all was. He found the food table and placed the cake in the middle. Then sighed contently to see it was still all in one piece. John then went to work with the few finishing touches. He didn't have long until Mary would be arriving with her.

"Alright everyone! I just got a text from Mary. They will be here in five minutes." At his statement, Emilia ran over to him and asked to be held. She was giggling so intensely from excitement. John had been afraid she would spoil the surprised, but Emilia had done great keeping the big secret.

The doors opened and everyone quickly shouted, "SURPRISE!"

Anna's jaw dropped, as she took in the room full of their family and friends. She glanced to John, who walked over to her and planted a kiss on her cheek.

"What…what's all this for?"

"It's happy one year, Mommy!" Emilia leapt toward Anna and Anna stumbled slightly by the weight distribution. John steadied her with his hands around her waist and gave Emilia a pointed look.

"You have to be careful," he reminded her. Emilia gave him a sheepish grin and nodded.

"Sorry, mummy," she murmured. Anna wrapped her arms more tightly around the little girl's frame and kissed her cheek.

"That's okay, sweet girl. I know you're just excited."

"Everyone is waiting to celebrate with you," Mary interrupted from behind them. "Go on, then."

Not wanting to argue with Mary, John and Anna headed further into the room. Everyone was hugging Anna and telling her how happy they were for her. The room was bouncing with a lot of happy energy. Joy for his wife built up in John's frame.

"Mum, come look," Bennett said, coming up over to his parents and sister. He took a hold of Anna's hand and led her to the table where his cake was.

When they got to the table, Anna's eyes welled up with tears. It was the most beautiful cake with the words, "_Happy One Year with a New Heart_!" The new heart had been their miracle. A year and a half ago, the LVAD was no longer able to keep her heart going like it was supposed to. The doctors were giving her a year or less. She had been sure that was the end of her rope. But then, surprisingly, there was a heart available for her. The surgery was a success and thankfully, her body accepted the heart. New hearts were not a guarantee of a longer life, but they gave hope for one. The longest someone had lived with a heart transplant to date was 33 years. Some only ten or less. John said she would beat the record. As of right now, everything was going well and the doctors felt John could possibly be right.

"Bennett, this is beautiful." He beamed at her compliment. Anna ruffled his auburn hair and smiled. She had the most beautiful family.

"Years ago, we said we would celebrate if you got a new heart," John reminded her. Anna nodded. She remembered that conversation. "When you got the heart, you were still weak. Mary and I decided waiting until you hit the year mark would be best because you could enjoy it." Anna happily moaned and leaned closer to John. She caught his lips into hers and he happily returned the favor.

"Ugh," Emilia covered her eyes and hid her face into Anna's neck.

"They just love each other, Emilia," Bennett explained to his sister. "Don't you want them to love one another?"

"Yes," Emilia replied, sitting her head up. "But not with kisses!"

At that, John peppered several kisses on Anna's lips, making Anna giggle.

"And we love you too," he said, kissing Emilia's cheek and turning to Bennett, but Bennett put his hand up and shook his head.

"I'm twelve; no more kisses from my parents." Anna rolled her eyes, but respected his wishes.

"Okay, but we do love you, as well."

"I know that, Mum," he said in exasperation. "I'm going to go and find Sybbie and the other kids. Come on, Emilia." Anna placed Emilia down and watched as their two children ran to find the other kids. Then she melted into John's side and placed her head against him.

"I do think you might be my lucky charm, Mr. Bates," she murmured into his chest. John's hand ran up and down her back and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"No, no, my darling, you are mine." And as John glanced around the room at everyone who had come to celebrate with them and their happy children playing with the others, he knew it was true.

**The End **

_**Maybe the ending was a bit too cheesy? I'm not sure, but they can be cheesy at times,(Can't we all? lol). You can thank my muse for Anna living. She was supposed to die, but in the end, my muse decided she needed to live. So here you have it. Thank you for reading this story! I am sad it's over. It was one of my favorites.**_


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